The Lion's Roar
by politically-inc0rrect
Summary: A fanfic for Panic! At the Disco. Brallon/Ryden/Sarah and Brendon. M for safety.
1. Chapter 1

I ran my fingers through my hair one more time, hoping that the gel would finally keep it up this time. I took one step back and looked in the mirror. Sarah came in, wrapping her arms around my waist, and smiling at me in the mirror. I gave the top of her head a kiss, and looked at us. We were a happy couple, and we've made it through a lot.

"Alright, babe, I got to go. We have to rehearse," I said to her. She gave me a disappointed look and I replied with, "Sorry, you know I'd be here with you if I could," I pulled her into me. Sarah wrapped her arms tighter around my waist and looked up at me. I bent down to give her one last quick kiss on the lips.

I moved out of her arms, and made my way back to our bedroom, grabbing my jacket off of the bed, and my glasses off the night stand. I threw both articles of clothing on, straightening everything out in the mirror one last time. Sarah leaned against the doorway.

"Try to not piss Ross off today, okay? He really cares about you. And you know if you upset him, you're-."

"Upsetting Jon. I know," I sighed, throwing my phone in my pocket. "By the way, you look gorgeous today," I said, trying to make her blush. It worked. "Oh! And, I'm bringing the guys over tonight. Spence's got a new friend he wants us to meet. He says the kid's got talent," I shot a smile at Sarah. "Make something nice for me, please?" I asked her one last time before walking over, placing my hands on her hips, and a kiss on her lips. I pulled away, giving her one last smile before deciding to leave her to decide what she should cook for dinner.

I walked through the white hallway that led into our not-so-big living room. I smiled at a picture of the boys that lay on a corner table next to a brown leather couch. Penny Lane came up to me, panting and wagging her small tail. I gave her a pat on the head. One of my favorite guitars rested in the corner waiting for someone to use it. I considered grabbing it, but there would be guitars where I was going. I grabbed my car keys from the dinner table as I passed through the kitchen. I opened up the door, shouting an "I love you!" to Sarah, but not bothering to wait for a response. I jumped off the steps from the deck, quickly walking to my car with a smile on my face the whole time.

I opened the car door to my 1969 Mustang, hopping in to the front seat. Right as the key turned in the ignition, the radio started up with some song I didn't recognize. I pulled out of the gravel driveway, and took a left down the road.

The drive didn't take long. It was only about twenty minutes away from the house, and the radio helped pass the time as I tapped my finger along to the beat of the radio. I finally found the studio, and seeing Ryan's car already in the driveway. I couldn't help but smile at the thought of finally being with him. I parked my car behind his, and grabbed my key from the ignition. I walked up the paved path to the front door, opening it, and stepping in on Ryan already on the couch. He had a cigarette in his hand, and his feet were propped up on the other end of the couch. I threw my keys on the coffee table, and moved his feet so I could sit next to him. Ryan sat up, handing me the rest of his cigarette.

"Hey man," he said, resting back in to the couch.

I sat down next to him, resting my head on his shoulder, "What's up?"

"You know the usual. Spence is going to be here soon. He's bringing Jon and that other guy."

"I think his name's Weekes," I said lifting my head back up.

"Awh, now my shoulder's cold," Ryan complained kidding along.

At that moment, the door opened to Spencer, Jon, and an incredibly tall man. I stared at him, but once his eyes met mine, I quickly pulled my head away. Jon instantly came and sat down next to me, Spencer stayed standing with the tall man who was now surveying the room.

"This, this is Mr. Dallon Weekes," Spencer said. Dallon raised a hand in recognition, but he refused to make eye contact with anybody. "Dallon," Spencer cleared his throat, Dallon's head popped up. "This is Ryan, Jon, and that one's Brendon," he motioned towards each of us. Dallon sent us a smile.

"Hey man!" Ryan said, waving up at him. Dallon just awkwardly smiled at him. "What? Cat got your tongue?" Ryan kidded, snorting a bit.

"No, just, I'm kind of quiet," his voice was smooth and dark.

"I don't think we ever had a quiet guy in the band," Jon comments. Dallon merely smirked. "You're really tall. Is everyone in your family that tall?"

"Not really, no," Dallon rubbed the back of his neck.

"Alright, are we ready to rehearse or what?" Spencer asked; probably to get the attention off of Dallon for a bit. When everyone nodded their heads yes, he responded with a, "Let's do this!"

Jon and Spencer immediately got up, Dallon quietly followed them. I felt a hand on top of mine, and then I felt his fingers intertwine with mine. I was then able to turn my head and face Ryan.

"Are you okay?" Ryan asked, quiet and close to my face.

"Fine, why wouldn't I be?" I half heartedly laughed it off. I stood up, and gave his head a quick kiss before leaving to go join the others.

When I entered the small studio, Spencer was already by his drum kit. Jon was getting an acoustic guitar off the wall, and handed it to Dallon. Ryan came in behind me, placing his hand on the small of my back. I leaned back into it.

"Bren, sing something," Spencer called. It took me a minute to actually move and pick up my electric guitar that was already plugged in. I strummed a few chords, and then started to play _Lying._ Spencer recognized the tune, and then started with the drums. Jon was already with his bass as Ryan picked up his blue guitar, plugging it in, and playing it.

I was never handed a microphone, so we just played the song with no lyrics. I was too focused on remembering the song to notice Dallon. But when I got a break in the song, giving Ryan a solo, I looked up. Dallon was already looking at me, but when he saw me he turned his head. I could've sworn I saw his cheeks redden a bit.

"Brendon!" It was Ryan's voice that rang through my ears, and that brought my attention back to the instrument in my hand. "You forgot to play," he chuckled.

Yeah, that's it. I just forgot.

"Oh gosh, hey, guys, sorry, just, I got to take a piss," I said, leaving the room.

I walked to the bathroom quickly, hoping to get away from everyone else's curious and concerned looks. Why is he already getting under my skin? I haven't even spoken two words to the guy. I found the bathroom, locking the door behind me. Next week is Ryan and mine's anniversary. That has to be what's making me so nervous. That has to be it.

I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, continuously splashing water in my face. There was a knock at the door, and a quiet, "Bren," came before I opened the door to Ryan. He looked almost upset at me.

"Everything okay?" He asked, wrapping his arms around my waist. "Do you just not like this Dallon guy or what?"

"Hmmm?" I hummed, too occupied with Ross's facial features. He had a soft, kid like look to him. His brown eyes were round and beautiful, and nothing could make this man more perfect than he already was. "Ry, don't worry about me," I sighed. "I'm just tired." I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him closer. "It's okay," I nodded against his head.

"Yeah, okay," he mumbled, quickly kissing me. There was something about the way he kissed that was better than Sarah. I started to kiss back, but Ryan suddenly broke it. "God only knows what Spence's telling that Weekes guy now."

"Hmmm, guess we'll have to go make up some story about me almost dying so we don't scare the kid," I laughed. I gave him one more kiss, having enough self control to not shove my tongue in his mouth.

I pulled my face away from his, and started for the door, but not before giving his ass one final slap. I exited the bathroom, and made my way towards the studio where the guys played.

After playing another couple of songs, we decided that this whole 'rehearsal' thing wasn't exactly going like we planned, and just started back for my place. I went to the bathroom one more time before we left, and when I walked back out in to the lounge, Dallon was on the couch, but everyone else was gone.

"Are you okay," I asked, smoothing out my clothes.

"Spencer's car is kind of small, wondering if I could ride with you." His face was quiet, mouth barely moving to speak to me.

"Uh, sure," I manage to stammer out.

So I led him out to his car, letting him the passenger seat. My stomach started churning. He shouldn't be making me as nervous as he is. I relaxed back into the driver's seat, putting the key in the ignition. Dallon's knees stuck up a considerable amount. The man is way too tall to fit normally in to any car. The drive was awkwardly long. Dallon mostly stayed quiet, he was in a pair of thick sunglasses, and I couldn't see his eyes. I couldn't see where he was looking. I, on the other hand, couldn't keep my eyes off of him. He wasn't even that attractive when you really looked at him.

I finally pulled in to my driveway; Dallon didn't move or say anything the whole ride home. Ryan and Spencer's cars were already in the driveway. I pulled the key out of the ignition, quickly getting out of the car.

I didn't bother to wait for Dallon as he got out of the car. I practically ran up to the door to escape his presence. I walked in to Sarah, cooking, and the guys in the living room. I smiled at Ryan, who happened to have saved a seat for me, and I walked over to them.

I get really bad about forgetting Sarah when Ryan's around. I instantly regretted not kissing her when I first walked in, but Ryan was here. I couldn't ignore him. I wouldn't ignore him. Right as I sat down on the seat next to him, the door opened again to Dallon. He slowly walked over to Spencer, awkwardly standing before Spence scooted over to give him a seat. We all got silent, not able to think of a conversation to start up. Sarah brought out some chips and dip.

"And you must be the new guy," she beamed at the dark man, trying to hide his face. "I'm Sarah! Brendon's fiancé!"

Dallon popped his head up, "What?" he mumbled, but before she had time to respond he countered with a, "Oh yeah, sure."

Sarah hummed in excitement, and then went back to the kitchen. I ducked my head down, trying to avoid everybody else's eyes. Ryan leaned closer to me, putting a reassuring hand on my knee. I smiled at his hand through my own. When I finally sat up, we sparked up a conversation about the upcoming album. I kept glancing at Dallon, but he refused to keep in the conversation. He would occasionally nod or hum in acknowledge meant, but he didn't actually talk. He was clearly out of it.

I finally got a good look at him though. His hair was longer and brown. Dallon was still in his shades. He had on a pair of blue skinny jeans and solid black slip on Vans. Today he chose a grey shirt. He was skinny, but tall. His height made him look a lot larger than he really was. I looked him up many times before I really saw it. It was a ring on his left hand. Huh. So he was married. I guess I just got the wrong impression.

Sarah called from the kitchen, claiming dinner was ready, but it still took us a couple of minutes before officially getting up to eat. There were six seats, three on each side. I sat in the middle, as Ryan took one seat next to me and Sarah took the other. Spencer sat down across from me, Dallon on his right and Jon on his left. Sarah had some chicken casserole out, and the guys helped themselves without invitation.

Dinner was quiet. None of us really said anything. Sarah tried multiple times to start a conversation, but I quickly shot them all down. I had one serving, refusing to eat much more. Ryan had about half of what I had. The man needs to eat more. He's too skinny as it is. I didn't pay too much attention to Dallon, Spencer, or Jon. I was more focused on Ryan, and trying to have Sarah not catch me staring at him.

"Do you guys want desert?" Sarah asked after everybody finished.

A series of, "No's" and "I better be going's" erupted from the crowd. We all stood up, and I shook everybody's hands and waved them off until it was me, Ryan, and Sarah.

"I guess I'll be going," Ryan dramatically sighed.

"Here, I'll walk you out."

I followed Ryan, my hand on his back leading him out. We walked down the deck in darkness. He leaned against the driver's door, as I put my hands on his hips. We smiled at each other as he wrapped his hands around my neck. I bent down to kiss him and he met me halfway.

"Was dinner alright?" I asked.

"Wonderful," he replied, kissing me again. "What do you think of this Weekes guy?" He asked, breaking the kiss. Our faces still remained centimeters apart. I didn't bother replying, but kissing him again. Ryan laughed against my lips, pulling his arms from my neck to my hips. "And when are we going to get time again?"

"Soon, babe, I promise," I said, digging my face into the crook of his neck. "I don't think I can stand not being around you any longer."

"I have to go," he said, and I let out a whine. But he pulled me in for a hug, and I melted right back into him. I kissed the top of his head gently. "So, the Weekes guy?" He asked again, getting into his car.

"Yeah, he's okay, I guess."


	2. Chapter 2

Ryan and I had been together for four years now. Of course we had to celebrate. I slowly woke up to a gorgeous and naked Ryan resting his head on my stomach. His hand was wrapped across my chest. We both had the post sex glow, and the sheets were stained with our semen from last night. I tried not to stir too much, so I wouldn't wake the poor kid up. I wiggled a bit to situate myself, but then settled back in to his arms. When Sarah called, I was going to use the hangover excuse so I could spend the whole day with him. He was worth it. Of course he was worth it.

I laid my head back down on top of his. I could feel his long eyelashes beat against my bare chest. I felt Ryan's back strain as he stretched; I was still there, comforting him though. His arm stretched next. Then Ryan whisked his head around to see me. His brown eyes looked at me with joy and I couldn't help but smile back. My right hand started to play with his brown hair that was starting to get a bit long, but I didn't mind because he was perfect no matter his hair length. I wanted to bend down to kiss him and to slowly start the sex process again, but I was warm and he was comfortable and we just sat there taking in each other's presence for a bit.

I didn't want to move, initially, but he got up and I felt cold without him. I watched as his naked form travelled across the room to the bathroom. I pulled the top cover back over me, not wanting to escape the comfort of the bed. It even smelled like Ross. I heard as he took a piss, then the toilet flushing, and then he returned still naked. But instead of joining me back in bed, he threw on his boxers and his pair of skinny jeans from the night before. He flopped down at the end of the bed and I gave him a disappointed pout.

"What? I want food, some come with me," he demanded, grabbing my hoodie from the floor.

"Man, that's my hoodie!" I laughed, sitting up and attacking him for it. He smiled at me, and slipped the dark grey shirt on. "Then that just gives me a good excuse to smell like you all day," I smiled at him, getting in his face.

"I thought that was the point," he whispered, closing the gap with his lips on mine. I lifted a hand to his shoulder, instantly connecting us more. His hand enclosed my hip. Then suddenly, he pinched me on the side.

"Ow!" I shouted, jumping back. Ryan laughed and got back up. "What the hell was that for!" I asked.

"I told you, I'm still hungry," he smirked, throwing boxers my way.

I got dressed, grumbling throughout it all because it was our anniversary and he wanted to _eat? _That was hardly fair to me. I threw on my boxers and my skinny jeans and his black v-neck shirt that barely fit. Ryan was way too skinny for me. When I finally got dressed, Ryan was already back out from the bathroom, his hair combed and teeth brushed. I stared him down, still mad for not getting an appropriate make out session for the morning. Ryan shot me a cute smile that made me melt again and I smiled back.

I didn't bother with hair or teeth because I was just going to go eat anyway. So I followed him out of our apartment, my hand on the small of his back guiding him towards the door. I didn't choose a place, and since Ryan didn't ask me, I assumed he already knew where we were going and what we were eating. We entered the elevator of the hotel and made our way down to the bottom floor. Nobody bothered giving us looks as we walked through the lobby and to the street. It wasn't busy for it only being about ten in the morning.

Ryan led us out in to the morning air, and took a left down the street. He led us down a couple of blocks before stopping in front of a Tudor's biscuits. He led us in to a back booth, dropping me off, and taking the initiative to order for me. Ryan knew me enough to get me the chicken biscuit and a diet coke. I knew I should call Sarah and tell her I was too hung over to come home right now and Ryan was going to take care of me for the next while. I waited until he returned to the table before throwing him my phone. He set my tray down in front of me with a chicken biscuit and a diet Coke. Ryan grabbed my phone and dialed a number he's dialed numerous times over the year. I watched as an almost irritated Ryan waited for Sarah to pick up.

"Hey, Sarah, this is Ryan," he said, lips thinned. He never liked her. There was silence for a couple of minutes. "No, Brendon's fine. We just got a bit carried away at my place last night," he winked at me this time. "Yeah, don't worry. He's a bit hung over and he'll be staying at my house for a while. I'll send him back as soon as possible," he had his irritated face again. "No, no, I'll take care of him. Don't worry," he shot me a glare as she interrupted him one more time. "Sarah," he said sternly. "I have this under control. Will you calm down? God, yes, he'll be back this evening. I promise. Bye Sarah!" He yelled.

I smiled at him for doing that for me. But I need to think of new ways to get around going to Ryan's. I wonder if it ever occurred to her that the only time's I got severely hung over to the point of stay at a friend's house is only with Ryan. I could sprain my ankle one day, that'd guarantee a couple of days at Ryan's. I slid a hand under the table to grasp his knee and he sent me another look, almost a look of apology for putting up a fight. I quickly removed my hand to start with my chicken biscuit that looked almost more attractive than he did at this point. I took a couple of bites before he started to eat. Ryan ate slowly, and didn't have much enthusiasm when we ate. I quirked an eyebrow.

"I'm tired," he sighed, putting his biscuit back down on his tray.

"Awh, poor baby," I pouted a little lip at him.

"Heh," he awkwardly laughed. "I hate sharing you, you know?"

"Yeah, I know, babe, I know," I said, putting my biscuit down too.

"I don't understand why you have to stay with her and then I come second-."

"You don't come second," I said sternly. And he doesn't. I do everything I can for time with Ryan. "You never came second," I wanted to grab his hand so bad. I wanted to just hold him forever and make sure he knew what he meant to me. But we were in public and of course I couldn't do that. "Maybe you need to be reminded of that," I gave him a wink. "Maybe," I lowered my voice, "Maybe, I need to take you back up to the hotel room to remind you," A devilish grin erupted on his face. His tongue swiped over his lips, probably on purpose knowing him. "Let's get out of here," I winked at him again.

We both got out of the booth, not bothering with the trash. When we were finally out on the street, that was empty, I grabbed his ass. He gave one quick gasp, looked around and pulled me in to an alleyway. Ryan pinned me against a wall, his face was only millimeters away. Right when he closed the gap with his lips, he cupped my cock through my jeans. A shudder went through my body. I reached hand down to palm him through his jeans also, and a dark moan erupted from the inside of his throat somewhere.

"You gonna fuck me right here," I almost whined in his ear as he rubbed his hand over the shaft of my cock.

"Maybe," that grin was back. Then walking. We heard walking.

Ryan quickly pulled away, I almost groaned for him to return. I needed some release for my aching hard on.

"What are you two doing?" A low mumble came from Dallon's lips as he approached us. You could clearly see Ryan's cock outline through his tight jeans.

"Nothing," I muttered, but Dallon still came to us, not daring to stop. I could feel my boner slowly dying just from the sight of him.

"You guys looked like you were fighting or something," he was still quiet and I could barely hear him.

"Ha, yeah, fighting that's it," Ryan laughed, relaxing against the wall next to us.

"What are you doing out here?" I asked. Dallon had on a back pack and his shades again.

"Going back to my hotel," he said, pointing in the general direction of the hotel Ryan and I had chosen for the night. Ryan smirked. "You guys sure you're okay?" He asked again. I really kind of wanted to smack him right there, but I had enough self control not to.

"Yeah, we're fine," I answered in a 'don't mess with me' tone.

"Right, of course," Dallon's eyes quickly swept over Ryan's crotch. He got the idea. "I'll be seeing you," he waved his hand off as he turned on his heels to leave.

"That just killed my boner," I said when Dallon was out of earshot.

"I think I can take care of that," I looked over in time to see Ryan's wink. Then it was my turn to close the gap between us.

I gave Ryan a final kiss before getting in my car and taking off. The day was well spent. I drove off towards my house, not bothering with the radio. I had too many things on my mind anyway. I drove the thirty or forty minutes back to my house. Sarah's going to be furious that it's seven when I get home, but I had the chance to spend as much time with Ryan as I wanted and I wasn't going to pass that up. I couldn't tell her that.

I finally got home to Sarah sitting on the deck with Penny Lane in her lap. Her face barely brightened up to my appearance. I got out of the car, pulling the keys out of the ignition. I gave Sarah a smile before sitting down next to her. She looked up, but didn't offer her lips to me. I patted Penny Lane's head as I sat down next to the two girls.

"What's up?" I asked Sarah.

"Waiting for you to return from your hang over adventures," she answered bitterly. "I thought you would be home earlier than this."

"Sorry, babe," I leaned in to give her a kiss, but she pulled away. "What?"

"You spend a lot of time with him, you know. With Ryan," she clarified.

"He's my best friend Sarah," I said, leaning back into a post that helps support the deck. "What? Are you jealous?"

"No! I'm not jealous. I just… I don't know Bren," she sighed, but she didn't relax. "I just feel like you don't even know who I am anymore." I knew this day would come.

"Sarah, you're being stupid," I said, and rested a hand on her knee, I could tell the waterworks were about to come. I could tell. "Don't cry, please, just don't cry," But I was too late. Penny Lane had already jumped from her lap and Sarah was sniffling. I sat back up and grabbed her and pulled her in. "Babe, no, no I don't cry, please, it's nothing. It's nothing, I promise," I rocked her back and forth, trying to calm her down.

"Are you cheating on me?" She asked, trying to wipe away her tears.

"What? Of course not!" I said, holding her tighter, if that was possible.

"I sometimes feel like I come second to Ryan, that's all," she sniffled a bit.

"You never come second, you never came second. Maybe you need reminding of that," I said, pinching her side and getting her to laugh. "Come on, let's go in and watch the Notebook or whatever chick flicks you and your friends like," I said, still smiling. The tears were drying up and she looked almost happy again.

I led her back in to the house, Penny Lane at our heels. I sat her down on the couch, and popped a D.V.D. in to the player and waited for the opening credits to appear on the screen. I hopped back on the couch with Sarah, and pulled her up into me. She laid her head on my chest.

We spent the rest of the evening watching movies. Sarah fell asleep on me, and I was okay with that. I felt like she was happy again. After she fell asleep, I turned off the T.V. and settled myself back into the couch, trying not to stir her too much. I closed my eyes and fell asleep shortly after.

I woke up to Sarah making dinner in one of my hoodies and Penny Lane excitedly barking at Dallon who was at our door.

Wait.

Dallon?

I got up quickly, straightening out my shirt, and walked over to the door. Sarah was already letting the tall man in. I tried to give him a smile as best I could, but it wasn't working too well. He had on his backpack and his shades, but he was wearing regular flared jeans, a pair of Converse, and a striped shirt today. I guess everyday's casual day with him. I ran my fingers through my hair again.

"Hey, man," I held out a hand and he shook it.

"Hey," his voice so dark and smooth. A cold chill ran through me.

"He didn't have anywhere to go until rehearsal today so he decided to come here," Sarah was beaming. She was happy that I was broadening my friend range to Dallon. Or she was just happy it wasn't Ryan.

"Oh. Ha, well, yeah, you're always welcome here," I said. Penny Lane ran up barking at him. Dallon smiled and patted her on the head. When he does smile, it's attractive. It makes him look more mature than he actually is.

"Thanks, dude," he replied, standing up. He surveyed the room a bit, while Sarah popped some toast in the toaster.

Dallon walked across the room, setting his bag down on the couch. He awkwardly sat down next to it.

"Do you, uh, do you want to watch some T.V.?" I asked, hoping to break some tension, but he just nodded his head no.

I sat down on the couch opposite of him and waited for Sarah to finish with breakfast. I heard her pour eggs out on a pan and pop some more toast in the toaster. A couple of minutes later I heard her scream, "Breakfast!" and Dallon and I both got up to go eat.

I wanted Sarah to keep quiet, I really did, but she had issues with getting social hints, so of course she was going to get a conversation out of Dallon. I tried keeping my mouth stuffed to avoid conversation, but Sarah was good at prying answers out of me as well. I took another bite of my eggs as she asked Dallon about his childhood. Poor man.

Sarah would ask about his parents, and he would give one word answers. He never answered in more than one complete sentence. He would keep it short and choppy. His charisma skills sucked too. He would only speak in small phrases with multiple 'uhm's' in between each word or two.

"Why are you here? Like, are you just visiting Spence or?" I asked in silence. Then the room fell deeper in to a silence, if that was possible, as Sarah and Dallon were both surprised I even said something.

"Oh, yeah, just visiting, I've had a thing for music. He mentioned something about you guys recording or something so I took the offer to come here," he said smoothly.

"Oh okay," I shrugged.

Back to silently eating my eggs it is.

"How long have you and Spencer been friends?" Sarah asked, taking another bite of her toast.

"Hmmm," Dallon hummed, trying to recall a moment in history. "About five years. We, uh, met at a party. Yeah, party…" Dallon mumbled. Then he continued to finish his eggs. "Thank you, for, uh, the breakfast," he said again, motioning towards his now empty plate.

"Oh, of course honey!" Sarah said, happy somebody complimented her on her cooking. She was always paranoid about her cooking. Not sure why, it wasn't bad.

Dallon got up from his seat, taking his plate with him to the kitchen. We heard the water running, and then the dishwasher being opened, his plates going in, and then being closed again. Dallon walked back out to the dining room, and reclaimed his seat across from me and Sarah. I finished up my food and waited for Sarah to finish hers so I could do the same thing.

I returned back to the living room to grab my now ringing phone. Penny Lane was barking furiously at it when I entered the room. I picked up the device, automatically flipping it open and putting it up to my ear.

"Brendon Urie speaking."

"Bren! Hey, it's Spence; do you know where Dallon is?"

"Yeah, actually, he's in my kitchen talking to my fiancé as we speak," I said, probably a little more bitterly then I meant.

"Oh, cool! Well, he's just not answering his phone, and I got worried."

"His bag's out in the living room, and so he probably didn't hear his phone ring."

"Right, I'll see you later Brendon," Spencer finished up.

"Yeah, bye," Click.

I returned back to the kitchen where Dallon was having an intriguing conversation about his mother and his father and back home.

"Spencer called, wanted to know where you were," I pointed to Dallon, hoping that was his invitation to leave.

"Oh, yeah, I should probably go see what he wants," Dallon laughed a bit before standing up and walking back out to the living room. I returned to my seat next to Sarah.

"What's that all about," I motioned to the door Dallon just walked out of. "Like, why is here?" I lowered my voice.

"I don't know, Bren," she purred, resting her head on my shoulder. I picked up a hand to start playing with her hair. "He's your friend," she said.

"Yeah, friend, right," I muttered.

Dallon returned, phone in hand, and bag on back. He mumbled an, "I got to go," and then took off. Well, that was easier than I thought it would be. I relaxed back in to Sarah. Penny Lane relaxed down at our feet, heaving a sigh before fully resting herself into us.

I could learn to love Sarah.

I really could.


	3. Chapter 3

I had the guitar in my hand, but Ross wouldn't let me play what I wanted. I wanted to play a soft melody, but he started with some crazy jacked up mess. There was piano, violin, and was that trumpet? I couldn't just tell him no, though. I trusted him. He knew what he was doing. Okay, I hope he knows what he's doing.

Dallon was across the room. He was going back and forth between a guitar he borrowed from me and a notebook. He worked intently, not bothered by Ryan's constant changes and replays of the first thirty seconds of one song. I rolled my eyes again when I heard him change the pace and play it back. I buried my face in to my hands, hoping that this would all end soon. I looked back up to see Dallon giving me a worried look. I shrugged my shoulders, and he resumed his song writing.

"Bren, Brendon!" I popped my head up to Ryan. "Did you hear anything I just said?"

"No, not really, no," I muttered.

"Of course you're not," Ryan spat. "Whatever. I'm going home. I can't do this."

"I'll, uh, drive you home?" I almost had to ask it.

"Sure, considering you brought me here, I guess you kind of have to."

"Right," I nervously laughed. "Bye guys," I waved off Spencer and Dallon, the only two brave souls who stuck around just to here Ryan finish the first part of the song.

I followed Ryan out to my car, opening the passenger door for him, the circling around to get in the driver's seat. Before I could start the car, Ryan grabbed my hand.

"Can you spend the night?" He asked, and my eyes met a very lonely Ryan. A Ryan I very rarely see. He's almost desperate to have me in his bed, in his arms for the night. It's been weeks since I've had him all to myself. I missed him too. "I miss you."

I launched myself at him, lips crashing together, teeth scraping, and tongues caressing. My hands embraced his face, a way to bring him closer to me. His hands wrapped around my neck, and I could fuck him right there if I wanted to, and I did want to. But there was that stupid knock on my window. I pulled my face away from his, but kept a hand on his inner thigh as I rolled down the window. It was Dallon. Of course it was Dallon.

"What?" I spat at him, and he actually looked offended.

"Jacket," he handed me my grey hoodie neatly folded up.

"Right," I tore it from his hands, putting it on the console next to me. "Bye, now," I heard Dallon say something as I rolled the windows up.

"He was trying to tell you something," Ryan pointed out.

"Does it look like I care?" I asked, but before he could answer, I quickly silenced him with my lips.

"We…" he barely could breathe out in between kisses. "We, we should get out of here," he finally muttered.

"I mean, if you want," I winked at him, a hand running down to his hip. "Or, we could just do it in the backseat."

"Classy," he managed, to preoccupied with my collar bone at the moment. I tilted my head upwards to allow him more space.

"You know me, Ross," I moaned as he bit down hard, probably leaving a mark.

"Drive," he growled, removing himself from me, and sinking back in to his seat, buckling himself. "Now," he persisted when I didn't automatically start up the car.

I turned the keys that were already in the ignition and the car roared under us. I slowly backed out of the lot. I started driving at alarming speeds down the road to Ryan's house. I felt his hand creep to my inner thigh. Then he palmed me through my pants. Fucking tease. I suppressed a whine, and turned my head to see Ryan watching me. I instinctively pressed my lips against, his, but he quickly pulled away. "Road," was all he said. His hand tightened around my cock, which made a groan come out of my mouth finally. He smirked in the chair next to me. I finally found his driveway, stopping the car and turning the keys and putting them in my pocket.

When I finally got my seatbelt off, I immediately turned my head to Ryan. I attacked his lips with mine before he could even get his seatbelt off. Once he did, I managed to scramble over the console and straddle him. Ryan's hands found my hips while mine entangled in his hair. When I finally gained enough self control, I started my hips in a circular motion. He groaned, throwing his head back, I instantly took his collar bone between my teeth, biting down hard, but soon releasing and licking over the fresh wound. Ryan only moaned more.

"Is it killing you," I smirked, grinding my hips on him again. "Is it killing you how hard I make you," I deeply whispered in his ear, sucking on his earlobe.

"Shut up," he growled, thrusting his hips in to mine. I moaned a lot more loudly then I intended. A wild smirk appeared on his lips. "But, it kills you how good I make you feel." His hands moved to the sensitive part of my stomach right under the naval. Ryan started for my belt. "You wanna fuck right here? Right in the back of my car?" He asked darkly.

"I don't care," I barely spit it out. "I just need you… In… Me…" I managed to say in between breaths.

"Get in the back," he barked. And I obliged.

I don't know how I managed to get in the back without killing myself, but I did. Ryan climbed back on top of me, straddling me. A smirk appeared on his lips as I pulled myself up to greet his lips with mine. Ryan started at my zipper, and pulled my pants down, exposing my boxers. He ran his hand over my cock and I let out a whine so desperately wanting him to help my aching hard on.

"Will you please just blow-"I didn't get to quite to finish that when Ryan had my boxers down. His lips started kissing at my collar bone, making his way down to my naval. A quick whine escaped from my lips. Ryan smirked as he finally prepared to take me in-

My phone.

My goddamn phone.

"I'll just ignore it I said," as Ryan's tongue swept over the top of my cock. My hands pulled at his hair in desperation. He took half of me in, his hot breath surrounding every inch of me, his tongue pressed against the shaft of my cock. I groaned a bit more. "You're wonderful," I smiled at him. His eyes met mine, smiling back. His hand started fisting me, his mouth bobbing up and down as I watched my cock disappear and reappear from that talented mouth of his.

Then it started ringing again.

Ryan gave me an annoyed look, so I grabbed my phone from the cup holder by the driver's seat. Ryan's mouth was still over my cock. I opened up my phone, putting it up to my ear.

"Yeah?" I managed to squeak out as Ryan took more of me in.

"Brendon, are you okay?" She sounded almost desperate.

"Yeah, babe, I'm fine."

"Are you coming home?"

"I'm spending the night with Ryan," I almost yelled that last part as Ryan took the rest of me in, and started fisting me harder. My hips bucked up to his mouth, but his other hand held me down.

"Oh."

"Is that-." I stopped to catch my breath, and my other hand curled further in to his hair. "Is that okay?" I tried again.

"I just thought we could fool around or something," she started. "I'm just a bit lonely that's all."

"Oh, uh," I stopped again as Ryan kept blowing me. I let a moan come out.

"What was that?" Sarah asked.

"What? Nothing, don't, oh _God,"_ I groaned as my orgasm hit. Ryan took it in. He always did.

"Brendon Urie!" I heard Sarah scream. Shit. "What are you doing? Are you, you are…" She trailed off.

"Sarah!" I shouted, but the line was already dead. "Fuck, shit, fuck," I whined as I pulled my pants up. "I got to go, sorry, babe," I leaned over to give him a kiss goodbye. He only slightly responded.

"Yeah, bye," he muttered.

I crawled back to the driver's seat and Ryan got out of the back door, slamming it shut behind him. I backed out of his driveway, giving him a smile and a wave before taking off. I drove down the road, past the studio, and too my house probably faster than I drove to Ryan's. If that's possible, of course. I made it in to the driveway, situating myself to get rid of the obvious, and then got out to greet Sarah.

I walked in the front door to find her on the couch, Penny Lane in her lap. Her eyes were bright red and puffy. Of course she was crying, I couldn't expect anything less. I heaved a sigh and made my way to Sarah. I sat on the opposite side of the couch, not daring to try to touch her. She was way too upset to try to physically cope with at this point.

"Why are you upset?" I whispered after a few minutes of silence.

"I… I think you're cheating on me. You are cheating on me! Why am I upset? That's why!" She didn't yell, just talked loudly.

"I'm not cheating on you, Sarah. You know I wouldn't do that to you. We had this discussion. I told you this weeks ago."

"Look at your neck!" She actually did yell this time. "You have bruises, and your hair's out of place, and just look at you!" She is screaming now. "You couldn't make it any more obvious if you tried!"

"Sarah! Damn it, no!"

"You're sleeping out here tonight," was all she said before getting up and walking back to our-her room.

"Sarah, give me a chance! Let me explain!" I yelled after a slamming door. A very worried Penny Lane sat at my feet. "You don't hate me, right?" I asked her. She just cocked her head.

I took a sigh before walking over to the hall closet to retrieve a blanket. I grabbed a couch cushion, and propped it up for my head. I kicked my shoes off, took my belt off, and then threw my vest on the floor. I cuddled in to the pillow and pulled the blanket over my body. I set my glasses on the side table, but it's not like I would actually be getting sleep tonight.

And I didn't.

I woke up to nobody. Nobody was making me breakfast. No one was next to me waking me up with slow kisses. Of course not. I'm so stupid. So, very stupid. Penny Lane wasn't even around. I didn't hear Sarah. She probably got up early on purpose, to leave me so she wouldn't have to deal with it. She was going to have to at one point, though. I stretched my aching back, and slowly got off the couch. I walked over to the guest bathroom, shut the door, and turned the light on. I looked at myself in the mirror. Sarah was right. There were bruises. Fuck you, Ryan. I turned on the water for the shower, and waited for it to heat while I took my clothes off. The bathroom started to steam up as I stepped inside.

The warm water hit my face hard. But my skin appreciated it. I grabbed a cloth, soaking it with soap before lightly rubbing off the stink of yesterday. I swiped over my bruises, cursing Ryan through gritted teeth. I set the cloth down and exchanged it for the shampoo bottle. I poured out the soapy liquid in my hand and carded my hair with it. I stood under the shower head while my hair rinsed out. After that, I turned the water off. I stepped out to a bath mat, and wiped off my dripping body before wrapping the towel loosely around my waist. I grabbed my clothes from the previous night and dumped them in to the laundry basket by the sink.

I stepped out of the bathroom, and walked over to our-her room. The door was open and she wasn't inside. By my luck she was somewhere in the house waiting for the right to time to go ahead and murder me. I walked over to our dresser, pulling out a pair of skinny jeans. I put on the pants, and went in search of my grey hoodie. It took me about ten minutes to realize that it was out in the car. I dropped the towel off at the end of my bed and made my way back to the front door. Not bothering with shoes, I stepped outside in to the cool spring weather. I trotted down the steps to my car. I opened the door to my hoodie sprawled out on the console. I tried erasing the memories- good and bad- from last night, shaking them out of my head. I grabbed my jacket, and slipped it on over my head. I backed out of the car, shut the door, and started for the door. I wasn't even halfway up the stairs before I heard his car at the end of my driveway. I turned to find Dallon's car- thank God it wasn't Ryan- in my driveway. He slowly stepped out of the car, tall and quiet. I stopped at the top of my stairs to wait for him.

"Hey," he waved to me.

"Dallon, this is bad timing. I'm in a shit load of-."

"Do you want to go for a ride?" He asked, stopping me in my tracks.

"What?"

"Ride or no ride?" He asked again, sternly. "It'll help you clear your mind. I promise. I won't even talk," he held up his hands in defeat.

"Alright," I sighed. "Give me a minute to get my shoes," I went back to the door. Then I turned back around, "Come on in, Sarah isn't here," I said, at the same time I realized her car wasn't in the driveway.

Dallon just nodded his head and followed me in. The house was a mess, frankly. I should probably clean it as a peace offering for Sarah. I will when I get back from this drive. I went back to my room, and found a pair of flip flops that were thrown in the corner. I slipped them on, not caring about my completely un-matching outfit, and walked back out to the living room. Dallon was on the couch, waiting for me. His legs were crossed and hands patiently waiting on his knees. I tried flashing him a smile, but it came out tired and worn. His was more alive.

"You want a drink or something for the road," I asked him, motioning to the fridge.

"No thanks, man," he waved me off.

"Right," I said. Dallon didn't make any gestures to move anytime soon, so I sat down on the couch next to him.

"Why are you here? Why do you do this?"

"Hmmm? I just, sometimes I just know you're in trouble," he said. I let my head sink. "If you were smart, you'd dump Sarah. You obviously love Ryan, and don't care what Sarah thinks. Why don't you just dump her already?" He asked.

"I love her too," I said, glaring at him.

"Obviously not as much as you love Ryan, though," he said.

"I just can't leave her now, maybe one day, but not now."

"Just stop hurting Sarah. I don't think I could ever see Breezy hurt," he said, voice wavering. "Like that anyway."

I lifted my head back up, and stared at him quietly. He stared back, and his brown eyes met mine. I tried not letting my cheeks become red.

"I just kind of care a lot about you, okay?" He said a reassuring hand reached out for my knee, squeezing it.

"Yeah, okay, sure," I said quickly. I quickly became anxious, not wanting him to see how nervous I really was. "We should probably go, we can like get lunch or something while we're out," I said, realizing that it was noon and a lot later than I thought it was.

"Yeah, sure," he removed his hand and things eased back up again.

This man was a lot stranger than I thought he was.

I followed him out to his car, not bothering to wait for him to open my door or start the car. I was already in my seat buckled. Dallon opened up the driver's door, and stepped in. He had to, of course, duck down. His head almost hit the ceiling. He grabbed his sunglasses from the dashboard, and slipped them on. The key was already in the ignition, and his right hand grabbed it and turned it towards him, starting the car up. I rested my elbow against the inside of the door, picking at strands of my hair while I stared at passing trees. Dallon didn't say much, he didn't even bother with the radio. I didn't look at him, but attention focused on the streets, on people passing by, on the foliage that surrounded us. They don't worry. They don't have to worry.

Dallon drove for about an hour before he found a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant. It was an Italian place. We walked in together; it was practically empty, though. We seated ourselves in a corner booth. The waitress came by, handing us menus and asked what we wanted to drink. I ordered a beer, him a soda.

The waitress shortly came back, giving us our drinks and taking our orders. I got a sandwich while he got some weird pasta. We waited quietly while our food was being prepared to come out. I tapped a finger on the table.

"So, why are you really out here?" I asked Dallon. "No, why are you with Spencer? Not with me," I responded when he quirked an eyebrow.

"Visiting, I told you that," he said.

"No one visits a friend for weeks on end while they stay at a hotel and spend more time with their lead singer," I pointed out.

"Ha, well, my wife, Breezy, and I got in to a fight. She kicked me out. I thought it'd be over in a day or two, but she still hasn't called me. As for me visiting you, I just like you," he said smoothly.

I cleared my throat, and the waitress brought us out our food. We ate without talking anymore. The food was alright, nothing spectacular. When we had both finished, and paid, Dallon took me back out to his car.

"So, where to now?"

"Home probably. Sarah's probably home and I need to clear some things up with her," I laughed nervously.

"Right."

So he drove me home. And I was right, by the time we got back, Sarah was there. I saw her car in the parking lot, but she wasn't on the deck. She wasn't in her thinking spot. I waved Dallon off before quickly getting out of the car. I almost sprinted up the stairs. The door was already unlocked, and I let myself in. I found Sarah on the couch, the T.V. turned on, and Penny Lane lying down next to her.

"Hi," I almost whispered as I walked over to her. Her eyes weren't puffy, and she looked calm. Calm enough to actually talk to me.

"I'm sorry, I'm so very sorry," she said, standing up, wrapping her arms around my neck. My arms instinctively went around her waist, bringing her closer to me. "I was being stupid, I accused you of things I know you would never do. Oh my God, I'm just sorry," she repeated. She buried her head into my chest as I rocked her back and forth. "I know you're not cheating on me. It's just with Keltie and Ryan and… You know how I am with that," she looked up in my eyes. I nodded slowly. I did understand.

I was the one Ryan cheated on Keltie with.

"Stop, I know you're sorry," I said, pulling her in tighter. I kissed the top of her head. "It's okay, I'm not upset," I whispered again.

"Right," she said, sniffling. "I love you," she whispered.

I bent down to meet her lips with mine, familiarizing myself with her figure. "I love you too," I said, voice right above a whisper. A satisfied smile erupted on her lips. "Well, do you want to watch some T.V. or what?" I laughed, pinching her sides.

"Yeah, sure," she said, laughing and smiling.

So I led her to the couch, sat her down, and we found some horror movie to watch together. She laid her head against my chest, while my arm kept a tight grip around her shoulders.

Maybe I should consider what Dallon said more seriously.

I don't want to hurt Sarah any further.


	4. Chapter 4

I propped my feet up on the desk and carded my hair. Ryan was working on the physical music for this song, but he wasn't going far. He had finally gotten down the majority of the lyrics, but was really struggling with the music. I watched his fingers pull away and press down on the different strings. He had an initial beat down, tapping his foot on the floor. His brow furrowed down when he became unsatisfied once more with his music. He switched his fingers around, and tapped his foot to a different beat. I silently smiled at him, brown locks out of place. Face flushed with stress. His shoulders were tense. It was when he set his guitar down, he caught me staring. A slight pink appeared on his cheeks.

"What?" He asked quietly.

"You're just beautiful. That's all."

Ryan got up from his spot on the couch. I let my legs fall, allowing him to sit on my lap. He wrapped his arms around my neck, and mine went around his waist. His forehead rested against mine and we breathed each other in. We couldn't stay like this for long. Sarah was on the other side of the door, cooking lunch or cleaning or watching something on T.V. I strained my neck up so I could meet his lips. He kissed back, deepening it. But he quickly pulled away knowing all too well that by our luck Sarah would walk through that door, and catch me and him. We couldn't have that.

Ryan quickly stood up, kissing my forehead one more time, and walked back over to the couch. He propped his feet up on the other end, lying down. I watched him for a couple of minutes, not even trying to hide the fact that I was staring. He looked up and his eyes again met mine. We both smiled at each other, blushing.

I turned back to my computer, opening up my email. Yes, I still check that. Zach had sent a message for me. I didn't bother looking at it, knowing it was something about our new album. He wants a Fever You Can't Sweat Out feel and I do too. Ryan wanted something completely different, nothing like our first or second album. The door opened and I turned around to find Sarah. She faintly smiled at me, and then turned to Ryan, briefly waving to him.

"Are you guy's hungry?" She asked, crossing her arms.

"No, I'm fine," I said before directing my attention back to the screen.

"Yeah, I'm good, actually," Ryan said. He didn't even bother looking at her. I could feel the hatred emitting off of him.

"Thanks, though," I brought my face back to her, giving her a smile. She did a half smiled, and I looked worryingly at her. She just smiled at me again.

"Alright then, I will leave you two to song writing," she waved us off, and left the room, closing the door behind her.

"She really hates me, you know," he said, not bothering to look up at me.

"She doesn't hate you, really. She hates that you cheated on Keltie."

"Too bad she doesn't know it was with you," he winked at me.

"And she doesn't need to."

"Maybe she does."

"Ryan."

"Brendon."

"You know perfectly well why I'm with her and not you," I said, sternly, muscles tensing.

"No, you're with us both. You just prefer her."

"Ryan, you know I don't. You know I would be with you. Don't you act like I wouldn't be, because I would."

"That's why you're still with her, right?" He asked sarcastically, sitting up and looking at me.

"Ryan! I love you, not her."

"Sometimes, I think you don't," he said, angrily. Tiredly.

"You know I do, baby, you know I do," I walked over to the couch, sitting next to him.

"I just… I just don't want to talk about it right now. You smell way too good to be mad at, but we will talk about this later, okay?"

"Yes, of course, oh my, Ryan," I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him in to my chest.

Ryan sat in my arms for a while, not daring to move. I love it when he's like this. He's all mine, and I'm all his. I don't have Sarah, just him, and he doesn't have anybody either. We just have each other. For now we have each other. And we don't have to be with anybody else. I like us best at times like these.

"Do you want me to take you home?" I whispered in his ear. "Maybe, I could, uh, spend the night," I said again, nuzzling at his ear. Ryan giggled a bit.

"No, you probably shouldn't. You know Sarah," he said pulling away.

"It doesn't even matter. Come on," I begged.

"No, I refuse," he said, tightening his arms around his chest.

I let a lip jut out and tried to guilt him in to letting me, but he was obviously stuck on the idea of staying home alone tonight.

Fine then.

I left the couch and returned back to my computer. We sat in silence for a while. Ryan didn't bother picking up his guitar, or writing anything down on his notebook, and I kept my eyes glued to the screen in front of me. There wasn't even anything interesting going on. I just knew Ryan wouldn't want me looking at him right now.

After about thirty minutes of silence, Ryan declared that he was ready to go home. My eyes quickly swept over the time, four now, and led him out the front door. I yelled back to Sarah, telling her where I was going. I didn't bother to wait for a response. We walked down to my car, him in the passenger's seat while I took the driver's seat, like usual. I started the car up, and pulled out of the driveway. The drive stayed silent as well. I knew Ryan was upset, he was clearly upset, and I didn't know what to say or do to make him feel better. But I would. Whatever he wanted. Except for leaving Sarah. That was something I couldn't do for him. Not now, anyway. One day, though, one day I would. One day I could officially make him happy.

I pulled my right hand away from the steering wheel and placed it on Ryan's knee. I kept my eyes on the road, but I caught him glimpsing at me. Then I felt his thumb brush over my knuckles. I felt the ends of lips creep upwards.

I finished the drive to his house, pulling in to the driveway. He unbuckled and gave me a quick kiss before taking off in to his house. I smiled after him, hoping he would change his mind and let me come in. Ryan was too mad at me, though. He was too upset to be bothered.

So I drove back home alone. But it was only going to be for a short while. Soon when we start getting somewhere with this album, I would spend hours on end with Ryan, and Sarah would just think we were working.

Soon enough.

I slipped on my brown flip flops and found a red jacket that seemed comfortable for the day. Sarah was already out with her other friends for their monthly shopping trip. I grabbed the black glasses from the side table, and put them on. Everything became clearer and I could finally see like a normal person. I carded my hair a couple of times, before silently leaving the room.

Penny Lane was resting on the couch, snoring, and I tried my best to not wake her up. I crept through the rest of the house, picking up my keys from the dining table, and walked out the door. I ran down the steps to my car, and did my usual turn on the car routine. I backed out of the driveway and made my way back to the studio.

Ryan called me telling me to meet him down there, so naturally I got ready as quickly as possible. I drove down the road towards the building, making sure I followed speed limits. I shouldn't get my hopes up, because Dallon, Jon and Spencer were probably there along with Ryan. This was for the album, not the relationship.

I drove the next five minutes to the small building, pulling in to the driveway. I saw Ryan's car, but nobody else was around. I smiled at bit, my insides tingling at the thought of spending an afternoon alone with Ryan. I stopped the car and took the keys out of the ignition, stuffing them into my jacket pocket. I opened the door, and got out, shutting the same door behind me. I tried to contain my excitement as I walked up to the door, opening it. Ryan was lying on the couch, twiddling his thumbs. I silently crept over before jumping on him. He let out a cry when I landed on him. I laughed a bit before bending down and kissing him slowly. He returned it, out of breath, but grabbing my face and bringing me closer to him. My hands attacked his hair. Then I pulled away and smiled at him before fully extending my body over him, resting my head on his chest. His arm extended around my shoulder, pulling me closer.

"So, a whole evening by ourselves in the studio? I can dig it," I laughed in to his body.

"Not exactly, Spence is coming over too. Jon's sick, so he isn't able to make it."

"Oh," I whined. "I just thought we'd be alone."

"I'm mad at you, remember?"

"Still?" I asked, irritated. We've been doing this for a while now; you'd think he could get used to it.

"Yes, still."

"Why?"

"I come second."

"Ryan. You know you don't."

"I just have a hard time believing that. That's all."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Leave Sarah."

"Ryan!"

"I don't think it would be that hard."

"It is."

"Yeah, obviously."

"Ryan! No, stop! No!" I was yelling now. "Ryan, you know I love you. You, damn it, I love you more than anybody in this world. You know how the public would view us. You know they would look at us like dirt after that! We wouldn't be able to make money. We wouldn't be able to live normally anymore! Ryan, it's more than just us. It's… Ryan, trust me," I whispered that last sentence. I've prepared for this, and that was obvious. I was now sitting upright, him too, and we were facing each other. "It's for the band; it's for your safety. Or I would, baby, you know I would," He wouldn't look at me in the eye. His gaze left mine. I kept talking anyway, "Because I love you. I love you so much. You're perfect, and Ryan, I want you, baby; I want you all to myself. But I can't. I will be one day. I'll be yours and you'll be mine, but just not right now. Give me time, please, give me time," I begged.

"Bren, I'm just so tired of running circles. I'm so tired of it," He threw his right up, only to come back down and hit him in the knee. "I'm so damn tired of it!" He yelled.

"I am too, I just, and you have to trust me. You have to."

Ryan's face dropped, his eyes blinking quickly. I, myself, was trying hard to not cry. He just had to understand that I couldn't manage coming out as gay-bi to the world yet. He just needs to give me more time. I reached my hands up to his face, bringing him closer to me. I tilted my head sideways before pressing my lips against his. It was soft, reassuring. Ryan just needs reminding, that's all. I still had his face in my hands, and his lips on mine. His tongue swept over my bottom lip, causing me to open up and surrender to him. Ryan's tongue flicked over mine, and we started another battle with our tongues. But I pulled away. My jeans were already growing tighter just from kissing him, and I didn't need any of the guys walking in on us. I rested my forehead against his.

"Okay?" I asked.

"Okay," he replied. And I pulled him in again for another kiss.

"I love you," I whispered, trying to not be too overwhelming.

"Yeah, yeah. I love you too," he whispered back.

Ryan leaned back in the couch, allowing me to curl up next to him. I rested my head on his shoulder, and his arm protectively wrapped around me. My face further dug into the crook of his neck, and I felt him smile. I continued to talk to him and we started a conversation on the new album. We talked for about an hour before Spencer showed up with Dallon at his heels. Spencer sat down on a chair across from the couch, Dallon still following his movements.

"So, are we here to record an album or to watch your beautiful relationship unfold in front of us?" Spencer asked sarcastically.

"I'm too tired to work," I complained, inching closer to Ryan- If that's possible.

"Explain your relationship status, oh, sorry, statuses," Dallon said, pursing his lips and glaring at me.

"Fuck off Weekes," Ryan was quick to say it. Dallon shut his mouth just as fast.

Spencer got up, directing us all to the recording room. So we followed. We didn't do much, the room too tense from Dallon's now lingering words. I fiddled with guitar, looking up at Ryan every now and then. We exchanged smiles, but his smiles suggested he was still upset over Dallon's statement. We were all relieved when Spencer had to leave, which meant he would take Dallon with him. We watched as Spencer started to leave the room, but Dallon stayed behind. He motioned for me to follow him before getting up and walking towards the door. I gave a shrug to Ryan and followed him outside.

Dallon dragged me into the lounge of the building before looking around to make sure nobody else was in the room.

"What?" I spat. He looked offended, but I had every right to be upset with him. He insults me, and he's taking away time for me to be with my boyfriend. Of course I'm mad.

"I apologize for earlier."

"Why are you apologizing?"

"I let my emotions get the better of me."

"Oh, what, you're jealous?" I asked, and he turned his head away. "Oh my God, you're jealous!"

"No! I'm not. Why would I be jealous of Ross? His boyfriends a lying, cheating, douche bag who acts so completely innocent no one blames him for anything even though he needs to be blamed for everything."

"You don't know me."

"I don't have to know you too well to know that much," his voice got low and our faces grew closer.

"Dallon, face it, you're jealous of Ross. You don't want to be, but you are."

"Oh, and did I mention he was one of the most sarcastic and arrogant people I've ever met."

"Now that you mention it…"

"You know what Urie?" I hummed, waiting for a response. "You need a reality check. You may have your little fandom in the palm of your hand, but if you keep acting like this," he took a minute to move his hands, motioning all around the room. "You're going to lose every single one of them. Don't think it won't happen, because it will."

"You know nothing, Dallon. Don't waltz in here, pretending you know everything about everyone. Because you don't. Is that why you were so nice to me? So you could get under my skin? Because that's sick. That's fucking screwed up."

"If you knew what was good for you, you'd calm yourself down. You're slowly ruining yourself now. And things aren't always going to go according to plan," he quoted my song. _My song._ I inched closer to him, hands curling in to fists, anger boiling down deep inside.

"Fuck off Weekes," I managed to say through gritted teeth.

Dallon grabbed my face, pulling me, and he had to practically lift me up I could barely reach his lips. They were harsh, nothing like I'd expect. I thought they'd be soft and warm, but they were almost bitter. Wait no stop. I pulled away quickly, gasping for air.

"Fuck you. Fuck you!" I said, shoving his chest, he staggered backwards. "Don't bother calling me or making stops by my house or anything! Just, leave!" I got out, face still flushed. Dallon didn't move at first. "Dallon, please, just," I couldn't even finish that sentence. My hands were shaking, pointing at the door. "Just go."

"Right," was all he said before spinning on his heels and walking out the door. I caught a glimpse of Spencer getting in his car before the door slammed shut. I started to regulate my breathing and calm myself down before I walked back to Ryan.

He was on the floor, picking at the guitar that I had earlier. Ryan looked up at me, smiling. He set the guitar down next to him then patted the floor, inviting me to sit down. I took the offer and strutted across the room, next to him. My arms instinctively went around his waist and his around my shoulders, pulling me in closer. I buried my face in the crook of his neck, and I could smell him again. And it was my Ryan.

"What did Dallon want?"

"Hmmm? Oh, nothing, don't worry about it," I said.

"Alright. Do you want to go back to my place?" He asked, and I didn't have to look at him to see that grin on his face.

"Of course I do," I answered, then looked up at him and gave him a quick kiss before walking to the door.


	5. Chapter 5

I woke up later than I meant to. Ryan's body was pressed against mine, his arm around my waist, pulling me in, his hot breath against my neck. We were only in our boxers. Well, I was in mine, I wasn't completely sure about Ryan. The covers were pushed at the end of the bed, probably in our sleep. My eyes floated over to the clock that read eleven in the morning. I sighed, and then continued to stare straight ahead. It had only been about six hours ago when we decided to fall asleep, but I couldn't. I was too busy thinking about Sarah.

And Dallon.

But mostly Sarah.

I relaxed back in to Ryan's arms a bit more. I heard him stir. I waited until he sat up before I pulled away. I sat up after him, turning around to look him in the eyes. He sent a sleepy smile my way, and I tried to return one.

"Are you okay?" He asked, and I nodded. "You were just restless last night, and it doesn't look like you got much sleep."

"I just have a lot on my mind."

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked, inching closer.

"Not really, no," I laughed airily.

"Bren," He scooted closer until he was right next to me, and his hands were on my arm. Physical contact. That's what he needed with me. "If you're not okay, you need to tell me. I want to help."

"It's nothing, Ry. I'm fine," I rested my head against his and let out a satisfied sigh.

"If you say so," he finished, relaxing himself further in my body. "I love you."

"I love you too."

It took me a couple of minutes to realize what we said. I say it to Sarah constantly, all the time. We were always saying how much we loved each other. It felt better saying it to Ryan. I liked it better. I meant it more. I lifted my head up, looking at him. When Ryan looked back up at me, I took the chance to kiss him. His lips soft and familiar. I pulled away, smiling. One more kiss added to the thousands we've had together.

My mind shot back to the first night; the night when I decided to take a chance with a supposedly straight man. The corners of my lips turned upward at the thought.

"What?" Ryan asked, also smiling.

"I was just thinking of the first time I met you," I said. I turned myself back around to where I could lean against the back of the bed.

"Not one of my finest moments," he moved along with me, and then he rested my head on my chest.

"I thought you were gorgeous, anyway," I smiled and started playing with his hair. "You had on a pair of skinny jeans and some boots. Black, all of it. Black," I took a moment to laugh.

"Shut up-."

"But I liked it. I liked your brown hair, flat with that flap over your eye. The eyeliner. I liked it all."

"Brendon!" Ryan huffed, turning away from me. "Don't remind me. I looked awful."

"And how did I look? Shall we even dig up that grave?"

"I liked your short hair and red glasses. Do you still have those?"

"No, I got rid of those ages ago. I wouldn't dare keep those."

"But Bren," Ryan turned back to me. Chin resting on my chest, hand across my waist. "They were so cute."

"Ryan, I looked like some emo teenage girl for the better part of that age."

"And I was completely okay with that! I loved that look."

"I didn't."

"I don't think it matters how you look. You know, because you're gorgeous regardless."

"Mhm, you too babe," I teased. "Anyway, the first day I met you-."

"Must we go through this?"

"Shh, I'm telling a story," I laughed and he only let out a defeated sigh. "It was you, Spence, and Brent-." At this time Ryan made a revolting noise at the sound of Brent's name, but I jabbed him in the side to get him to laugh and get quiet again. "You were pretty pissed off, yelling at Spencer and Brent. Spencer sat back, not saying much. He didn't care until you threatened the band. Brent on the other hand made snide remarks to everything you said," Ryan hummed, waiting for more of the story. "You didn't even notice me at first. I remember standing in the door frame, you were about to scream at me too until I held up the flier that suggested I could play."

"I remember this. I remember you in your black skinny jeans and a purple hoodie and…" He trailed off, almost embarrassed that he remembered this much. But it's okay. I remembered it all too.

"My audition started with a simple guitar piece. Then you asked me if I could play anything else."

"You laughed at me!"

"Probably because I can play quite a few instruments."

"It was cocky."

"You like my cock-." I paused for a minute. "-iness," I smirked.

"Pervert."

"Brent hated me, remember? That was hysterical," I laughed at the memory. Ryan chuckled a bit too. "Yeah, yeah. But it didn't matter what Brent thought, because you and Spencer liked me. You and Spence _loved_ me. You were an asshole. It took me ages to figure you out," I poked at his sides again. "You were stubborn and constantly had girls in your arms. I almost gave up hope."

"Oh shut up."

"So I joined the band," I continued my story anyway. "We wrote the first album. It was after that video recording of I Write Sins when we finally kicked Brent out," I snorted. "But it was before that. It was way before we finished the album or even thought that we'd have a music video," Ryan's breathing hitched. He knew what I was about to talk about.

"We were recording one night in the studio. Brent and Spencer had long been gone. You, ha, this is going to sound crazy, but you were in a pair of skinny jeans, go figure, and a tight yellow v-neck. Your hair all done up and that Mohawk thing," I smiled even wider at the thought. "I was putting up the guitars, and you were messing with the microphone. I remember how nervous, how god damn nervous I was.

"We finished up packing. And we were both walking out to our cars, saying our goodbyes. I kept telling myself to leave. I kept telling myself to not do it, because by my luck, you would just. I don't know, kick me out of the band, and embarrass me in front of all music labels. And at the same time I was so mad at myself for falling for you. It was so stupid. So very stupid," I laughed again. I could feel Ryan smiling under me. "I stopped you. I grabbed you by your arm and pulled you in. I kissed you too rough at first. You pulled away so quickly. I was so scared. I was shaking so much. But then you gave me this look. And then you closed the space in between us and-."

"I remember your lips. I remember your smell," Ryan started to recall. "Your hands were so small around my waist."

"Don't talk about small, Ross. I thought I was going to break you," we both laughed. "But our second try. It was perfect."

"I'm really glad I took that chance."

"I'm really glad you did too."

Ryan relaxed in to me; I pulled him in closer, straining my neck to kiss the top of his head. Ryan lifted his head up, turning around to face me. I bent back down again to kiss him. We were both smiling like Cheshire cats.

"That started everything, you know. We snuck around after that. I would usually go to your place, it was bigger. I would get there as early as nine, and I wouldn't leave until… Well, whenever you would kick me out," I laughed.

"Are you going to tell the story about how you lost your virginity to me too?" He teased, batting his eyelashes at me.

"That's such a lie, I did not!" I said offended.

"Yes you did."

"You're shit, Ross."

"Awh, but I'm your shit."

"And you're the cutest shit I've ever seen," I smiled and ruffled his hair. "No, but I remembered when we did eventually decided to fuck. It was after a show. I think in New York?" I asked.

"Yeah, New York was it!" Ryan exclaimed, overly happy at the memory. "And you grabbed my ass on stage, whispered some dirty nonsense in to my ear, but my cock was ready since," he laughed. "We did it in your hotel room. I don't remember the actual night very well, but the emotions were crazy. I remember waking up next to you. You were beautiful. And I watched as you woke up. We went and got breakfast, and you had on my hoodie. It's not like they noticed. You looked stunning though."

"And the day we told them."

"That was a hell of a day."

"I remember inviting them out to lunch at Applebee's," I laughed. "And we sat them down in a booth, ordered their favorite food, beer, the whole nine yards. Right after the waitress brought us our drinks, you just blurted it out. 'Brendon and I are together,'" I laughed again. My fingers started playing with his hair once more. "Their faces. Man that was crazy," I smiled, satisfied.

"Spencer was scared shitless. He wouldn't talk to me for weeks. I was scared. I was so goddamn scared," he shook his head, sitting up. "I almost lost him. I almost lost Spence."

"What uh, who would you have picked?" I stopped playing with his hair.

"I don't know. I'm really glad Spencer learned how accept it, though, because I'm not sure I could."

"Right," I started with his hair again, thinking of ways to change the topic.

"Then you found Sarah."

"I thought she would be a good cover up, and it turns out she is."

"I don't like her."

"You don't have to."

"Right, of course not," I didn't have to look at Ryan to know he was rolling his eyes.

"I think I might dump her, Ry," I didn't mean to say it at first. It was just a thought that happened to run through my head and mouth at the same time. "I think I might leave Sarah."

Ryan sat up immediately. "And come live with me?" His face lit up like a Christmas tree when I nodded yes. "Oh Bren!" It was like a scene cut out from a movie where he gave me a huge hug and we were both excited and.

How am I going to go and tell Sarah about this?

"Do you want to go get breakfast?" I asked Ryan.

"Yeah, let's do that," he smiled at me. Of course I smiled back.

It still took us a couple of minutes before getting out of bed. I found my jeans in the corner and slipped them on. I found a Beatles shirt – probably his – but I stuck it on anyway. I slipped on a pair of flip flops and then found a brown vest and put that on over the t-shirt. I ruffled my hair a bit before turning back to the bathroom. Ryan was in there, in the shower, actually, but I just wanted to brush my teeth.

Ross was one to stay clean, take a shower almost every morning he woke up with me. I didn't care as much. I mean, I didn't mind smelling like him for the whole day.

Sarah barely even noticed anymore.

I opened up the door to the steamy room, and walked over to the sink. I dug out my tooth brush from the medicine cabinet, rinsed it quickly in the sink, and then poured some toothpaste on it. Ryan started humming in the shower, then full out singing.

"Ry," I got out with toothpaste in my mouth. "I can hear you."

"Yeah, my neighbors probably could hear you last night, but I didn't say anything," I knew he was kidding, but face turned red anyway.

I spit out the toothpaste, and put the toothbrush back. Then I silently walked over to the toilet, flushed it once and walked out of the bathroom with a series of "I hate you Urie"'s erupting from the now cold shower. I walked back in to his bedroom, and sat down on the end of the bed. I waited only a couple of minutes before Ryan got out of the shower, now in only a pair of boxers. He shot me the finger, but I only sweetly smiled in return. He threw on a pair of Khaki shorts and a green shirt he found in his dresser. Ryan also slipped on a pair of flip flops.

Instead of heading towards the door, he came over to me. Ryan rested his forehead on mine and entangled his arms around my neck. Mine went around his waist. We were both smiling at each other and he smelled good and he was close and he was mine once more again. I pressed my lips against his, and he kissed back. And what was just routine to us meant so much in the long run.

Every time we were close, I felt lonely when he pulled away. I knew I could have him right back when I wanted him, but this initial feeling of loneliness really messed with me sometimes. I watched him walk across the room anyway.

"Well, are you coming or what?" He asked.

"Yeah, yeah!" I yelled back, getting up from my spot on the bed.

I walked across the room to Ryan, who was waiting for me by the door. I placed my hands on his hips, stopping him from leaving, and then kissed him.

"I love you," I whispered quietly.

"I love you too," he whispered back.

I grabbed his hand absentmindedly, and Ryan didn't care until we got out of his house and down to the car when he pulled away. I climbed in to the passenger's seat, him in the driver's seat. He pulled out and we drove down the road to a shitty diner neither of us have tried before. I got pancakes and eggs while he ordered an omelet. The waitress winked at us both before leaving to retrieve sodas for us.

"She's creepy as fuck," Ryan said after she was out of earshot.

"Hey, not nice," I scoffed. "She's trying to be nice!"

"I just want my food, not some thirty year old woman flirting with me."

"Ross, you don't have to worry. She looks more forty."

"I hate you, Urie," he grumbled before looking out the window, avoiding my gaze.

My hand disappeared under the table, but then reappeared on his knee. He shot me the finger really quickly, but then put his hand over mine, calloused fingers running over my knuckles. And my stomach still flipped and my insides burned from his touch.

I just couldn't get that anywhere else.

The waitress brought back our food; we ate quickly, and didn't say much to each other during the rest of the meal. The waitress came back with our check and her number conveniently written on it for Ryan.

"Do you really want to mess with her?" I asked him as he handed her a debit card.

"Yes, please," he pleaded.

"Alright," I smirked.

The waitress was on her way back when I leaned across the table, kissing him. I heard her huff before dropping the card and receipt on the table. I pulled away, and sat back down in my seat. Ryan's lips were red and they had started to swell.

"You're welcome," I laughed before getting out of the booth and leaving.

Ryan followed me and we were both going back to his car. Then I saw him. Dallon. I thought I could manage to make it through the day with no complications, but with him around, that's impossible.

"Hey, look, it's Weekes!" Ryan yelled.

Thanks Ross, wasn't able to see him.

"Let's get out of here, I don't feel like talking to him."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean," I whispered in his ear, my hand wrapping around his waist, "that I wanted to spend my whole day with you. Not Weekes," Ryan shuddered.

"Then what are we waiting for?" He smirked.

"Get in the car."

Ryan got in the car and so did I.

I told him I wanted an evening all for us.

I plucked at the strings as Ryan was once again trying to write the rest of the lyrics to another song I didn't approve of 100 percent. I watched as he scribbled down words only he could read, and then he would press some keys on the keyboard and then mumble words then cross something out and rewrite it.

Spencer was across the room, twirling drumsticks around in his hands, Dallon was next to him, beating his head against the wall every couple of minutes. Jon was reading. Nobody was paying attention to Ryan as he worked, because there was almost no use in arguing with him. He wrote what he wanted to, I wrote what I wanted to and it was as simple as that. We would mush together our ideas and make music and it was beautiful.

That sounded like lyrics.

I should write that down.

After scribbling down the words, I looked up to Ryan. He was already staring at me, and I turned away laughing.

"Let's get food, I'm starved," Spencer complained, rubbing his stomach.

"You're always hungry," Ryan shot back.

"And today is no exception, what do you guys say?"

"Sure," Dallon said.

"Yeah, I don't care," Jon put down his book.

"Bren?"

"Why not?" Ryan shot me a look. I just smiled at him.

"Meet you guys out there!" Spencer said, heading out of the room with Dallon quick on his heels. Jon soon followed.

"Why do you want to go out with them?"

"Because I'm tired of being in here," I said. "C'mon Ry, it'll be fun," I jumped down from the couch and over to the small boy. I pulled him in, giving him a quick kiss. "Please, Ry."

"Okay, but I'm riding with Spencer."

I jutted out my lower lip, but didn't complain. At least I got him to go with us. I followed Ryan out of the room and to the lounge that the others had congregated in.

"Spence I'm riding with you!" Ryan got out, and was already out the door. I waved goodbye to him jokingly, but he was already gone.

"Meet you guys at Applebee's?" Spencer suggested.

"Ha, Applebee's," I muttered and Spencer let out a smirk.

Jon followed Spencer out to his car, but Dallon stayed back. I grabbed a cigarette from the counter and lit up quickly before we had to leave.

"I didn't know you smoked," Dallon spoke.

"Once in a blue moon," I laughed, inhaling the cigarette once more. "I shouldn't, it's awful for me, but oh well," I shrugged. "I guess you're riding with me?"

"Yeah, I kind of, just had some questions. Wanted to talk."

"Last time we tried talking, you attacked my face with yours," I scoffed.

"I, uh, realize what I did was wrong, but, uh, it's about Ryan," he said.

I shot my head up, "It is?"

"If you have him, why do you have Sarah?"

"So the press think I'm straight," I laughed. "But I think I'm going to dump her. I think I'm going to end it," Dallon looked at me like I had three heads. "I'm being serious. I keep hurting them both, and this is just the best way to keep them both safe."

"So you listened to my suggestion after all?" He smirked.

"Yeah, I guess I kind of did."

"We should probably good."

"Yeah, we should."

I stubbed the cigarette out and followed Dallon out the door to the car. I got the driver's seat, and he got the passenger's seat. I started the car up and we headed out towards the Applebee's.

"So how did you and Ryan meet?" Dallon asked.

"Uh, long story short, him and Spence started the band and I auditioned, made it," I said a little too proudly.

"Huh," he contemplated. "How did you actually like, uh-."

"Hook up?"

"Yeah, hook up."

"I thought he was gorgeous," I blushed. "So I took a chance, and it turns out he thought I was pretty gorgeous too," I laughed.

"Well, that's good," Dallon said. "And you use Sarah as a cover up?"

"Yes sir."

"Smart."

"Yeah," conversation over. "Uh, did you ever get a hold of Breezy?"

"She's still mad at me. I just wanted to talk to my daughter. Damn wife," he muttered.

"Are you guys going to work it out?"

"I just don't know right now. I thought she was for me. I thought she was perfect. I think she's still perfect, and she gives me shit!" He beat his hand on the dash. "Sorry about that."

"No, I totally understand, but we're here, so like, try not to kill anybody," I said while parking.

"No, I'll be fine, don't worry," he laughed.

We laughed again, and got out of the car. We walked in to the restaurant where Ryan, Spencer, and Jon were already sitting in a booth. They waved us over and we walked across the room to them. I claimed my spot next to Ryan, Dallon next to Spencer and Jon. A hand travelled to Ryan's knee and his other hand collected mine.

"We just ordered a bunch of food and we're sharing," Ryan explained. "And I got you a beer, if that's alright."

"That's perfect," I said, tightening my grip around his knee. Ryan smiled in satisfaction.

We didn't have to wait long for the waitress to bring us our food. It was two trio specialties. There was shrimp, artichoke dip, hamburger sliders, and Buffalo wings. We ate and shared and laughed and for a solid thirty minutes everything was alright. Spencer and Ryan both insisted on paying the check, but ended up splitting it anyway.

We all walked out to the cars, Ryan to mine, because I was driving him home, and Dallon, Spencer, and Jon were all by Spencer's car. We made small talk, said our goodbyes, and gave out handshakes. Ryan was already in the car when Dallon ran back to me.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for, uh, the ride earlier," he smiled carelessly.

"Yeah, of course, anytime," I waved him off.

I finally got in the car and leaned over to kiss Ryan. Something I've been waiting to do for about an hour now.

"How was your drive with Dallon?" Ryan asked as we pulled away and I started up the car.

"Interesting."

"I like him, you know. He seems nice."

"Yeah, nice."

I waved Spencer, Jon, and Dallon off as Ryan and I pulled away to his house. I looked down to see a hand on my knee. I silently smiled to myself.

I am happier with Ryan.


	6. Chapter 6

Spencer was always trustworthy. When I had issues with just about everybody else, I would go to him. And he always expected me to. Ryan was happy, prepping the place for my move in, but the trouble is that I wasn't quite ready to end it with Sarah. I took my time, telling Ryan I was waiting for the perfect moment to end it.

Sarah, on the other hand, was being perfect. Flawless, a wonderful fiancé. It was becoming increasingly difficult to end it. She made dinner one night, made the mood. I couldn't end that. Ryan was trying his best, too. I spent loads of time with him.

I felt so torn.

But I made this bed, and now I have to lie in it.

Spencer was sitting down on my couch when I walked in the house. Sarah was out with friends, of course. It was the middle of summer, it was hot out. I was in a tank and a pair of shorts. My Vans covered my feet. I walked through the house, and found my spot on the loveseat across from him, stretching out, not leaving much room for anybody else. Spencer sighed and then started.

"Brendon, this isn't funny. You should, uh, think about taking this seriously. Because, this isn't just affecting you, it's affecting Ryan and Sarah. And need I remind you that Ryan's my best friend?"

"No sir."

"You better just not hurt him. I'm glad you finally want to settle down with Ryan. It makes him happier then you will ever know. But, you haven't left Sarah yet. You haven't even started packing!"

"Spencer, I know! Damn it, I know!" I sat up, looking at him. "I need Ryan, trust me, but it's hard to end things with someone who hasn't done anything wrong. You should know plenty about that!"

"Haley has no place in this argument!"

"She does now!"

"Brendon!" He bellowed. Spencer was a big man, the beard and hair always made him seem larger than he really was. If he wanted to, he could hurt me. He wouldn't, but that didn't make him any less intimidating. "You have to get your life straight. At this point, you're really hurting Ross. He's so excited. He's just so ready for you to leave her. He's been ready, for years at this point, and you still manage to be an asshole about it."

"Spence, I just, I'm a little lost right now."

"Yeah, that's obvious."

"I need a friend, not an enemy."

"You picked the wrong person to talk to. You know I'm going to side with Ryan. You know that. You know I'm his best friend and I have been since high school."

"Yeah, I guess I forgot to take that in to consideration."

"Bren, call up Jon. Dallon. Hell, make up a hypothetical situation for Sarah and ask her. Just, you should know better than to try to talk to me about these kinds of things."

Spencer stood up, grabbed his backpack, and headed for the door. I waved him goodbye and he told me he would see me next Saturday. I stared at the door long after her was gone. I silently prayed he would come back and talk to me again.

But I knew he wouldn't.

Penny Lane stretched from her dog bed in the corner and trotted over to me, whining until I gave her ears a quick scratch. Maybe I will call up Dallon.

I got up from my spot on the couch, and found my phone on the side table. I picked it up, went down my contact list. I pressed the send key and waited for him to pick up. This isn't a good idea. I shouldn't do this.

"Hello?"

"Yeah, Dallon?"

"Is this Brendon?"

"Yeah?"

"Oh, just checking," he laughed. "Do you need something?"

"Do you want to go do something or something maybe?"

"You must be desperate if you're calling me."

"Just need to clear my mind."

"Again?"

"Yes, again, so are you in or not?"

"Yeah, yeah, let's do it. I'll be there in twenty."

"Alright."

Dallon didn't say it too enthusiastically. He's probably tired of me constantly going back and forth between hating him and wanting him. I know Spencer was sure as hell tired of it. I travelled from the kitchen back to the living room, turning on the T.V. before flopping down on the couch. Penny Lane came up to me, licking my hand, wanting me to pet her. Want.

I guess I'm not the only one who struggles with the constant decision to show my want, go through with my want. Oh well, it doesn't make anybody else less pissed off at me. I watched some program about mermaids. They're not real. They will never be real.

Why do you insist on tying to prove something that isn't real?

In the next ten minutes, Dallon arrived; Penny Lane barking at the tall man entering the house. I walked over to the door, and let him in. Dallon took long strides in to the kitchen, shutting the door behind him. I looked up to his tall frame.

"Are you okay?" He asked, voice, dark, smooth, familiar.

"Ha, yeah, I'm just a little confused."

"About?"

"Ryan, Sarah, you."

"Me?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because, sometimes, I want to be your best friend, sometimes I want you out of my sight for forever, and sometimes, I want you to kiss me. Or for me to kiss you, whichever way it works," I laugh, rubbing the back of my neck. Dallon stepped in to my space.

"Then pick one."

"It's not that easy, Weekes."

"Toss a coin."

"Dal, I can't decide based on a coin toss."

"Yes, you can. It's when it's in the air you'll know what you want," he winked at me and then started for the door. "Spence needs me, I'll uh, call you later?"

"Yeah, sure."

And he was gone.

I looked down at Penny Lane who looked at me with the same amount confusion I had. I shrugged it off and went back to my program about creatures that don't exist.

_**Later**_

"Give me a sign, I want to believe."

"I like that," Ryan scribbled in his notebook a bit more. I took a sip of my beer. "How about, 'there's nothing wrong with a taste of what you paid for'?" He didn't bother waiting for a response as he wrote down the words. He then continued muttering words to himself, then writing them down, taking drinks of beer as he went. His brown hair fell in front of his face, his face intent on lyrics. I took another drink of my beer.

The bar was busy; it smelled like cigarettes, beer, and testosterone. A woman across the bar kept eyeing me, I shrugged her off. She huffed and exited immediately. I was working on my second beer, Ryan on his third. He's had at least four girls come talk to him, he turned them all away. Ryan caught me staring, and looked up, smiling, cigar in hand. It was a half smile, and my cheeks turned red. His cheeks blushed a bit too. Ryan stopped writing, flipped to another page in the notebook, picked his pen back up, and wrote something down. He then slid the notebook to me.

""_Stop looking at me like that. It's driving me insane__," _I smiled at the cute note, of course my cheeks were blushing furiously now, and it didn't make sense considering he was already mine. I grabbed the pen from across the table and quickly wrote down, "_Maybe if you weren't so damn cute, then I wouldn't look at you like that," _I smiled, satisfied with my note, and then passed it back to Ryan.

I waited for Ryan to read it, his face lit up with a broad smile. I handed him the pen and he wrote down his new response.

"_Yeah, and if you weren't so damn cute, then we wouldn't be having this conversation," _It made me smile too. It was his turn to hand me the pen, and I scribbled down, "_Ross, you're driving me nuts. We should go somewhere more… Private." _

Ryan didn't bother writing me a response. He flipped the notebook shut and stuck the pen in the binding. He dug out some money out of his pocket and dumped it on the table. I followed him out. I didn't bother looking to see if anybody was staring.

I stopped caring about that years ago.

The bar was close enough to walk back to Ryan's house. And it was dark enough that I could place a hand on his ass without anybody noticing. I kept a steady hold on his ass, and I saw him smirk through the dark. I lifted my hand, and Ryan didn't argue. We just kept walking. Then he stopped. Right in the middle of the street.

"What?" I turned around to him.

"Are you going to dump her?"

"What?" I repeated myself.

"Are you going to leave her?"

"Yes."

"Do it soon, please," I quirked an eyebrow. "I'm tired. Can we just watch a movie?"

"Sure," I walked back to the boy who looked so much smaller in the dark. I wrapped an arm around his waist and led him home.

We made it to Ryan's place. He picked some old horror movie, and we cuddled on the couch. I kept an arm around him as Ryan's face buried in the crook of my neck. It turns out the movie was scarier than we thought. Halfway through, I found Ryan on top of me and I was trying to hide behind him. Then the scene changed to a woman and her true love about to die and it was sentimental and frankly, I didn't care. And I wanted a blowjob. Ryan was already on my lap, so I started picking at a bottom button. He was still focused on the movie. So I undid the bottom button. I kept undoing the buttons and got about halfway up his shirt before he realized it. I felt my stomach boil up when he looked at me. His lip snuggled between his teeth.

Ryan's mouth was on mine before I could finish unbuttoning his shirt. His sweet lips swelling with every kiss and our mouths did a dance that we had recited many times before. I felt his tongue graze above my lower lip and I allowed him access to the rest of my mouth. By now I had gotten his shirt off. His hands were starting with my shirt, lifting it up. We paused the dance for my shirt to lift over my face, but immediately resumed afterwards.

Ryan turned himself to where he was straddling me. He grinded down hard. I tried suppressing a groan, but he just felt wonderful. He always did. I attacked his mouth again with sloppy, wet kisses. His mouth travelled from my mouth down my neck, I threw my head up in surrender, and then I felt his teeth on my collarbone and my insides swell up even more. Ryan grinded down again. Hard and wanting. While Ryan was focused on my neck, my hands reached the top button of his pants, trying quickly to undo them. Ryan, realizing what I was trying to do, stood up, and dragged me up with him.

I pulled his pants down to his ankles, and we parted long enough to get the rest of our clothing off. Ryan's hands enclosed on my hips. And I have him. All of him. Right here, at my disposal. That feeling never gets old. And Ryan was glowing with me right in the middle of his living room with that shitty horror movie blaring in the background.

Then the door opened.

We pulled away, still naked, to a very now traumatized Spencer in front of us. The bag Spencer was holding dropped and I felt my erection slowly start to die. I didn't bother asking him why he was there or making an excuse, I just grabbed my pants –or Ryan's, not sure which- and slipped them on. Ryan seemed to get the hint and did the same thing. After everything had calmed down, Spencer was still by the door, the door was still open, and I was still thinking about how awful Saturday was going to be.

Ryan welcomed Spencer in, picking up his bag for him and taking it to the next room. Spence slowly sat down in an armchair across from the couch that Ryan and I had clearly claimed. I flopped down on the couch, and when Ryan returned he sat down next to me.

"I, uh, apologize for that," Ryan still didn't have his shirt on and there was still some sweat on his chest.

"No, I should've knocked. I really should've knocked," Spencer said, shaking his head.

"What did you need anyway?"

"Oh, uh, I just wanted to talk, but you're busy so, I'll just talk to you later," Spencer got up from his chair and went back to the room that held his bag. I heard the door shut and the radio turn on.

"That was weird," I said, craning my neck over to Ryan. He smiled and lazily kissed me on the lips.

"I'm going to sleep, Bren."

"Can I come with you?" I begged. I mean, come on, that's the least he could do.

"No, no, I'll just sleep alone."

"Ry!" I almost yelled, a pout appearing on my face. "Please."

"No, Brendon!" He laughed as I attacked him with sloppy kisses. "Get out; Spencer needs to talk to me."

"Okay, okay. Fine. I'll just be really lonely, that's all…"

"Bren," I was already up and walking to the door. He wrapped his arms around my waist from behind me. I felt his body press against mine. "Don't be sad."

I turned back around and kissed Ryan. "Fine, but I want a hoodie to snuggle with," I smiled. Ryan smirked.

"Okay, okay," I followed Ryan back to his room. He handed me an old black hoodie but it smelled like him and that's all I wanted. I gave him one more kiss before I was out the door.

I took my car back to my house. The house was dark and Sarah was already asleep. I kicked my shoes off by the door and slid my pants off when I got in the room. I threw them in the corner basket. I crawled in to bed next to Sarah, and wrapped my arms around her. I felt Sarah's figure. But I smelled Ryan. I longed for him to replace her.

Soon enough.


	7. Chapter 7

I waited until the steam from my coffee wore off before taking a drink. It was bitter and awful against my tongue, but I drank it anyway. It was a taste that I became used to. I gave up on the newspaper that lay in front of me a while back, now I was just blankly staring at the pages. I keep waiting for Sarah to wake up. I want to get this over with.

I've spent hours trying to figure out how to explain this to her. I knew she loved me, but that was a love I didn't have for her. But I knew how she felt. When Ryan and I would fight, there was always a sense of urgency as I thought that he may some day leave me. I couldn't bear the thought of losing him. And that's exactly how Sarah thought about me.

As I thought all of this over, I realized how nervous I was. My stomach was doing flips, my head was spinning. And she wasn't even awake yet. I tapped a nervous finger on the table, dreading the moment when she finally did decided to wake.

My bags were already out in the car, ready to go, the only thing that wasn't packed as Penny Lane's stuff. I didn't know if Sarah would want to keep her or not, so when this all does explode I can just pick up the dog and take her, or leave her here, depending on what Sarah wants to do. I finally heard Sarah move in our room. I waited until she made an appearance out in the kitchen, pouring herself a cup of coffee. She came and sat next to me. I refused to make eye contact. I wouldn't be able to stand watching her heart break.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Uh, it's complicated."

"Try me," she laughed. She didn't know. There's no way she could know.

"I'm leaving."

"What?"

"I'm leaving, uh, you," I finally managed to say. And this is the part where shock sets in, and her stomach acid will find a new way to make her get sick. I still didn't make eye contact.

"Leaving?" Her voice wavered. "Why?"

"I, uh, I'm not happy," I tried.

"We haven't even tried to work it out, though."

"I don't want to try."

"There's somebody else, isn't there?"

"Well, kind of. I mean, not really…"

"What do you mean?"

"I was with them before I was with you."

"Do they know about me?"

"Sarah, everyone knows about you."

"Who is it?"

"Ry, Ryan…" I barely spit it out.

"Ryan?" She screamed. Here comes the yelling. "Fucking Ryan? Seriously?"

"Look, I'm leaving you. So, do you want to keep the dog or not?"

"Yes, I'm keeping her!" She yelled back. I watched her collapse her chair, burying her face in her hands.

"Bye Sarah."

"Get out! Just get out! Don't you dare come back! Leave!"

"Okay, I'm gone."

And I left. And I never turned back around.

I drove down the street. I didn't bother calling Ryan. I just showed up. I wasn't upset, yet. It hadn't hit me that Sarah and I were through. It would, though. Tonight. Right before Ryan and I fell asleep. I would start crying, I would start regretting everything. But there were going to be regrets either way you looked at it.

I kept driving. I decided to focus more on the outside, the people walking, the trees and bushes flashing by. None of them knew. And none of them wanted to know. So I kept on down the road, watching as people carried on with their lives. It didn't take me long before I arrived at Ryan's home.

I got out my suitcases, only three, and started for the door. I knocked a couple of times before he came to the door. And before me stood Ryan Ross. He was in a pair of flair jeans, a white t-shirt with a black vest over it, and his feet were bare. He took one look at me and the suitcases I was holding. He smirked.

"Welcome home, fucker."

I sat quietly on Ross' couch. There was a beer in front of me; next to it was a pack of cigarettes. The T.V. was playing an awards show. I wasn't even watching, I was paying attention to Hobo. She was at my feet, tugging on my shoes strings. Ryan was in the kitchen, making a pizza. I wasn't even hungry, but I would try anything to get my mind off Sarah. I heard the door to the oven open and close, and then I heard Ryan's footsteps walk over to me. I didn't have to look, but I felt the other end of the couch sink when he sat down. He put a hand on my shoulder, and that's when I turned to look at him. His brown hair was everywhere, and his eyes showed worry. I weakly smiled at him.

"Bren, I'm sorry, you know." At least he wasn't being a total douche about it.

"Yeah, I do know. I mean, either way I would've regretted it. It really just came down to, I was happier with you." I tried smiling again, and he smiled back.

"I'm sorry it sucks," he mumbled.

"Yeah, but it'll get better."

His arms snaked around my waist and pulled me closer. I rested a head on top of his. I've still managed to make it this far without crying. I didn't need him seeing how weak I really was. I wrapped an arm around his shoulders, and I could've pulled him closer, I would have. Things were silent after that. He let me work things out with myself. He let me calm myself down.

I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend.

After about ten minutes of this, Ryan pulled away, and walked back to the kitchen. I heard the oven door open and close again. This time he had brought out the pizza he put in earlier. I could smell it and hear it still sizzling.

"I'm just going to go back to bed," I shouted.

"Yeah, sure. I'm going to stick the leftovers in the fridge."

"Okay, I'll see you later."

Ryan didn't bother responding. I slowly got up from the couch and walked back to his-our room. I kicked off my shoes, and travelled across the room to his dresser. On the way I got my pants off. I opened up his top drawer and found one of his old Beatles t-shirts. I slipped my shirt and vest off and threw his on. It smelled like him, and that made me smile. I walked back over to his bed and plopped down on my side, throwing the covers on over me. But I didn't fall asleep. I tossed and turned and whined and whimpered. Sleep surely wouldn't come tonight.

I heard the door open. I looked up to see Ryan, and I could barely smile at him. He slid his shirt off over his shoulders, and took his pants off. I watched his silhouette cross the room to his dresser, opening the first one, pulling out a shirt. Repeating my actions. I watched him cross the room once more and crawl in to bed next to me. I barely could make out his shadowy figure. His face was pressed against mine; I could feel his breath on me. His arm reached around to the small of my back, pulling me closer. My arms went around his neck.

"Brendon. I'm sorry. I feel bad about this. So, so bad."

"No, don't. I wanted this," I pressed our lips together. "I'm just tired. I'll sleep it off."

"Tomorrow's Saturday, you know. Do you want to take the day off?"

"No, Ry. I said I would just sleep if off."

"It's not that easy, Bren."

"It is if I try hard enough."

"Brendon, you know I love you. It's okay to be upset."

"It's not okay!' I turned around so I wasn't facing him anymore. "I picked you. I shouldn't be sad. And I'm not."

Ryan's arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me to his chest, "I'm just saying. Don't be angry with me. Please. I'll see you in the morning, Bren."

"I'm sorry, Ryan."

And with that we fell asleep.


	8. Chapter 8

Green eyes stared back at me through the computer screen. Nate Ruess, Jack Antonoff, and Andrew Dost were all there. Talking to me. Skype was an incredible thing.

"So, are you guys up for a tour?" I asked once more.

"Uh, duh?" Nate laughed. "Sure, man. Let's do it. You guys in?" He motioned to Jack and Andrew.

A series of "Yes' and Duh's" came from them.

"Alright, cool. Well, I have to go. Ryan's calling for me."

"Yeah, sure! Bye Bren!" Nate shouted. I didn't bother waiting for the rest of their farewell's and logged off.

I walked out of the bedroom and to Ryan, who wasn't really calling me. I just couldn't bear talking to them anymore. It was too awkward. Ryan was sitting down on a barstool, slowly drinking a beer. I walked up and sat down next to him, but turned so I could face him. He was tired; faint black bags decorated the bottom of his eyes. He tiredly smiled at me, and I tried to do the same. I've been keeping him up. I've had awful nightmares and hot sweats that I can't seem to shake off. Ryan helps me calm down every time.

"Fun. wants to do tour with us," I spoke quietly. Ryan only nodded his head. "They seem excited, I'm excited."

"Yeah, it'll be fun," he shrugged.

"Go get some sleep. You need it," I nudged at his side.

"Nah, I'll finish my coffee and I'll be good." He smiled at me again.

"You keep saying that, but Ry, you don't look like you'll be fine," I moved my hand from my knee and bring it up to his hand, resting it on top. "What's up?"

"The band's exhausting me, and neither of us is getting much sleep… I don't know Brendon. Maybe I just need to take a vacation."

"Let's do it. Let's take a vacation!" I probably said a bit too excitedly, but Ryan smiled at me.

"Seriously?"

"What's stopping us? Come on, Ryan. It'll be so much fun!" I sounded like a little girl.

"Bren, you're an idiot. Go find some place for us to go to, and then I'll think about it," I laugh. I smile, because I know that's a real laugh, not some tired, fake one. I'm slowly getting my Ryan back.

I got off the bar stool and made my way back to the living room. I picked up the remote off the coffee table and plopped down on the couch, turning the T.V. on in the process. I found some shitty old cartoon to keep my four year old mind entertained for the rest of the evening.

Ryan later came in and joined me, but we didn't speak much. We just watched in silence. I feel like if he'd just get some sleep, then things would be okay.

When the day had gone by, rather slowly at that, I made my way back to our room. I slowly removed my day clothes, replacing them with pajamas. Ryan was shirtless and in a pair of sweats, already in bed when I finished changing. His brown hair was sticking up in random places, and he was reading Lord of the Flies. He was a reader. You could usually find him with a book around the studio. Ryan set the book down on the side table and looked up at me, smiling. I crawled in to bed next to him, putting a protective arm around his shoulder, bringing him closer. He sighed before resting his head on my chest as we sunk lower in to the bed.

And finally I let sleep wash over me.

The next morning, I got up at noon. Ryan was already up, but he hadn't been up for too long. I could still smell him on the pillow. I slowly got up, not bothering changing in to other clothes to make me look decent. I walked out to him in the kitchen munching on some toast. He smiled at me, and it was a real smile. Not a fake one he's been giving me lately.

"You ready for practice?" He asked, and shit. I forgot.

"Uh, yeah, sure, you know… Not really, no. I forgot," I laughed and rubbed the back of my neck. I walked over to the fridge and grabbed a beer.

"Well, it's fifteen after. So, we'll leave in like thirty minutes?" He asks and stands up.

"Yeah, that's fine," I mumble.

I watched as Ryan left the room. I found my spot at the same barstool he was previously sitting at. I would probably change in to a pair of jeans and call it good enough for the day ahead. As I finished the drink, Ryan returned with his hair brushed through and his outfit put together. And, like always, he looked stunning. I smiled at his presence. He walked up and wrapped his arms around me. I sat my beer down and stood up to face him. I cupped his face and pulled him in to kiss him. Ryan sighed against my lips as I pulled away.

"I suppose I should go get ready."

"Yeah, probably," he nodded, kissing me one more time.

"Thanks for staying with me as long as you have."

"Hey, hey, anything for you," I smirked. "Go get dressed."

I pulled away and he smacked my ass as I walked back to our room. I turned around and stuck my tongue out at him one last time before going in to the room and shutting the door behind me. I found my pair of skinny jeans in the drawer with Ryan's jeans. I pulled my sweatpants off and slipped on the jeans. I found a plain white shirt and a black vest to then put on over my now bare torso. My shirt I slept in lay in the corner of the room. I walked in to the bathroom after my clothes were properly assembled and grabbed my hair mousse. I ran it through my hair a couple times until my hair was the way I liked it. I walked back out to our room and grabbed my glasses as I left the room.

I walked back out to the living room where Ryan was now watching T.V. Hobo was sitting next to him and wagged her tail at the sight of me. Ryan turned the T.V. off and stood up. We walked out to the car, hand in hand.

I decided to drive us to the studio. One of Ryan's guitars lay in the back of the car. The radio kept us entertained as we drove, making sure there was no room for awkward conversation. I snuck glances at him, but I couldn't tell what his face said. His larger than life sunglasses hid the majority of his face, but I knew he was lost in thought. All he did recently was think. So I continued driving until I found the studio. I saw Spencer's car, and there was no doubt that Dallon was with him.

I found myself becoming less nervous with Dallon. Which meant that I didn't have feelings for him. I could get over that and be happy with Ryan once again. Not that I ever lost my happiness with Ryan. We got out of the car and walked towards the building, opening the side door, we walked in on Spencer and Dallon already there. They were sharing a beer and a good conversation. I waved at the two as walked in, and grabbed our seats on the opposite side of them.

I didn't listen too much of the conversation, but what Dallon looked like. I realized it had been about two weeks since I last saw him. He started some stubble, and I think this is the first time I've seen him in jeans this tight. His hair was down in his face and you could barely make out the glow of his eyes. His grey jacket was zipped all the way up, and he's never looked this dark. He looks small too, well, as small as he can be. Dallon is like 6'5". He looks… Lost. That's it. Lost.

"Hey," I looked at Ryan. His head was bent down and he was whispering. I found his hand on my knee. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, fine."

"You keep staring at Weekes."

"I know. He looks upset."

"Nah, he's fine." I looked up at Ryan. I quickly pressed a kiss to his lips to have him be quiet. Dallon is obviously not okay.

I pulled away once Jon walked in. He had on a black hoodie and flip flops. It was the norm for Jon, being so chill. Once Jon arrived, we walked back to the recording room. We didn't really do anything again; it was mostly Ryan messing around. When we did get a chance to play, we played something from our last album. I picked out my acoustic for the day and kept it mellow.

When we were packing up, Ryan got a call and walked out of the room. Dallon was still messing around on a bass while Spencer finished up with a snare drum. Jon had left, said he ad a meeting somewhere.

"So, you guys want to do something this week?" I asked, breaking the silence.

"Like what?" Spencer returns.

"I don't know. Movie night? We haven't had one of those in a while."

"Probably because we aren't ten anymore, Bren," Spencer laughed. "Man, I don't think you could be any gayer if you tried."

"Hey! Oh come one, Spence. It'll be fine. Yeah, let's do it! Wednesday night. Dallon, you come too."

"Uh, alright."

"Sweet!" I now have something to look forward too.

We finished packing up the gear, and made our way back out to the lounge. Ryan was on the couch, face buried in his hands. Spencer and Dallon said their goodbyes, I waved them off, and Ryan mumbled a 'see ya.'

I walked over to where he was sitting, and sat down next to him. I wrapped my arm around him.

"Hey, Ry, do you want to go to a movie?"

"No, I'm fine."

"Oh, and, Spence and Dallon are coming over Wednesday for a movie night."

"Yeah, okay."

"Ryan, are you okay?"

"That was my dad's lawyer."

"Oh?"

"The bastard's finally in the hospital."

"What happened?"

"I don't know," he finally looked up at me. Sad. His eyes were sad.

"Right."

My hand rubbed circles around on his back while I waited for him to calm down. He wasn't really _upset, _but he wasn't happy either.

Ryan and his father never got along well. They were always fighting, and I knew that Ryan wasn't exactly treated well as a child. But it was still his father. It was still eating him up inside. Suddenly, Ryan heaved a sigh and lifted his head back up.

"I'm not even upset over it. Yeah, let's go catch a movie or dinner or _something. _It feels like ages since we last left the house."

I smile. There's my Ryan. "Yeah, let's do it."

Ryan kissed me quickly before getting up and crossing the room towards the door. I followed him out.

The iPod was sitting on its stand, playing music. Right now it was the Beatles. Ryan was in the kitchen, preparing dinner for the evening while I stayed out in the living room. I had a guitar on my right, a keyboard on my left, and a pile of empty music sheets in front of me. This is where I've been spending most of my time. I've been writing music, introducing it to Ryan. He hasn't loved any of it, but we started one song together that we both seem to love. I smelled hamburgers.

I got a letter from Sarah asking what I wanted to keep the other day. The only thing I wanted to keep was the pictures of guys. And my guitars, but I had the majority of those. I returned my wedding ring. Last I heard she sold it. I don't care. Ryan seemed more than impressed that we had officially ended it.

His father isn't doing too well, but it's not like Ryan would tell me. The other day I picked up his phone while he was in the shower. The nurse said he was in critical condition. I only smirked and hung up. I didn't mention it to Ryan.

Ryan returned back from the kitchen with four hamburgers on one plate. They contained cheese, tomato, and lettuce. I picked one up after dropping my pen on the table next to sheets of paper. Ryan offered a friendly smile and I tried returning it. We ate in silence.

"So, everything's going smoothly with the breakup?"

"A lot more smoothly than I thought it would."

"That's good. I mean, you just kind of seemed stressed lately."

"I'm worried about what the press, the fans, what everyone's going to say."

"What about your mother?"

"And why the hell would she be calling me?" I scoffed.

"You're her son?"

"Ryan, you know she hates me. I bring home one guy and she gets the wrong impression. I haven't talked to her since," I threw the burger back down on the plate. "I'm not hungry," I stated before standing up and walking back to our room.

I plopped down on our bed, angry that Ryan would ever bring up my past. He knows. He knows that my father left me and my mother was left to care for us. He knows that she rejected me, and once I established not believing in God, well, all went to Hell. I punched a pillow, letting my rage get the better of me. I heard a quiet voice by the door. Ryan.

"I'm sorry," he almost whispered.

"Ha, don't be. I'm just letting old memories come back. All the times that bitch screwed me over," I flashed him a smile, hoping that'd make him relax. It didn't. "Ryan, I'm fine."

"I've seen you get mad before. It's not fun."

"And I've seen _you_ get mad before. That's some scary shit." And it is. His father called him last year on his birthday. I had to buy Ryan a new phone after that conversation. He never told me what happened.

Ryan came over and sat on the bed next to me. "I'm here, you know. Just, if you ever want to talk to."

"Ryan, I know. I'm just stressed."

"Come back and finish dinner."

"I'm not hungry."

"Bren."

I didn't bother answering him. I turned away, facing the wall now. I crossed my arms, hoping he'd leave, but I felt the bed shift more as he slid down under the covers. His body was pressed against mine.

"I love you."

"You too."

And I fell asleep


	9. Chapter 9

Movie night was always my favorite as a child. We always picked the scariest movies and we always just had the best time with them. Of course I mostly stayed hidden behind some pillows. I just want tonight to bring me back. I miss having the guys over. Lately work has gotten in the way of friendship.

The doorbell first rang around seven. I walked across the living room that was scattered with horror movies and blankets to answer whoever was there. It was Dallon and Spencer. I looked around for Jon, hoping he'd still show up.

"No, he said he was busy? I don't know," Spencer spat, pushing me aside to come in. Ryan was in the kitchen ordering pizza.

I found the two making their way to the living room. They found their spot on the couch, stretching out, not bothering to leave Ryan and I room. I guess we get the floor, then.

"So, do you guys want some beers or?" I ask.

"Yeah, I could go for one," Spencer piped up. "Dal?"

"What?" He was clearly distracted by the mandolin hanging on the wall. It was Ryan's. He swears he'll teach me how to play it, but I don't think that we'll ever get around to it. "Beers?" He clarifies and I nod my head. "Sure." He nods his head.

"Alright, I'll be back," I waved to them before retreating back to the kitchen.

Ryan was hanging up the phone, clearly distressed. I quirk an eyebrow.

"My father's doing worse. The hospital called."

"Do you want to go seem him later this week?"

"No, I really don't. I don't understand why I'm like this. You know?" I nod my head. "And I keep acting like I'm upset, but I'm not. I'm glad the old bastard's finally dying," he laughed, dryly. "I hate myself for it. Being so back and forth like this." Ryan suddenly got serious; he slumped down on the kitchen floor by the fridge. "Goddamn it," he hits is thigh with much brutality. "God, just. Bren?" He looks up at me and I might cry. His brown eyes are piercing through me. They can read me better than an open book. I fall down on the floor next to him. I bring him to me, trying to calm him down. "I'm sorry, Bren. I'm so fucking sorry."

"Hey, no, calm down. There's no point in crying over spilt milk, okay, calm down, shh," I kept repeating the words. I knew they wouldn't get through. He'd just continue to be upset. Spencer and Dallon were on the other side of the door, and Ryan was clearly not emotionally able to do tonight. "You know what? I'll go tell the guys that you're not able to do tonight, okay? Yeah? Would that be okay?"

"No, Bren, they can stay. Can you just give me a minute, because, I just had like a mental breakdown, and I just don't want to see them," he laughed like it was all a joke.

But it's not funny.

"Ry, I'll get rid of them. You know I would."

"No, seriously. Go enjoy your evening. I'm fine," he assures me. But he didn't move. We continued to sit on the floor, holding each other. It was Spencer's voice that rang through the house that finally made us get up and take care of our guests.

I took beers back out to the guys, explaining that Ryan was having trouble with the pizza. They shot me looks, but I ignored them. After we finally picked which movie to start with, the food arrived. Ryan paid them and returned back to living room with us.

The pizzas disappeared after no time at all. Dallon didn't eat much. He was quiet the entire time too. The movie didn't faze him, but me on the other hand. I kept Ryan on my lap, digging my face into him every time there was a scary scene. There was more laughter from me being scared than there was screaming from the movie.

After the Blair Witch Project ended, Ryan said he was going to the kitchen to get another round of drinks. Spencer offered to help. I walked over to the DVD player, picking up the last two movies we had to offer. I held them up to Dallon, asking him to choose.

"Uh, IT, definitely IT," he smiled and I shook my head in acknowledgement. "So what's up with Ryan? He's been acting weird lately," he shrugged.

"His father's been sick. He doesn't know what to think about that."

"Uh, sad, maybe?"

"Ryan's dad was abusive," I shot him a glare that he didn't deserve. "I'm sorry, man. It's just everyone's losing sleep and it's just a really stressful time."

"I'm sure, I'm not offended. Look, if you ever want to take some time off or something, just call me," he smiled.

"So I guess you and Breezy are still fighting," I had found my way back to the couch, sitting next to him. I was fishing through the main menu with the remote.

"Yeah, I think we're going to end it. We haven't talked in weeks. She won't answer my calls. Bren, I haven't seen my kids in months. I just want peace."

"I've learned to accept war. Are you ready to end it with her?"

"Ha, yeah. I mean, I just want to see my kids and I just want things to alright again."

"Give it time, Weekes. Give it time."

The movie started playing and Ryan and Spencer came back out to the living room. Ryan and I resumed our position on the floor while Spencer and Dallon stayed up on the couch. I kept an arm around Ryan as he let his head rest on my shoulder. The movie was terrifying just like I expected it to be, and again, the guys laughed at me.

After the movie ended, Spencer and Dallon ran back to the guest room, arguing who got the bed. Honestly, in this house, they should both just sleep in the same bed. I walked back in to our room, taking off my shirt on the way there. I threw it in the overloading clothes hamper. Ryan came in behind me before wrapping his arms around my waist and snuggling his face in the crook of my neck. My hands rested over his.

"Hello there," I smiled. And I knew he couldn't see it, but he could feel it. He smiled back.

"Hey."

"So, how was tonight?"

"Great, because I got to stay close to you," I smirked and turned around. I hung my arms around his neck.

"Oh really now?" I smiled and I kissed his cheek.

"Yeah, uh huh, even if you were scared the whole time." I started kissing his neck and he giggled against me. I felt his throat vibrate and I couldn't help but smile. Ryan's hands dropped from my middle to the top of my pants which were already unzipped from me trying to change.

"You guys better not be having sex. Because we all know you're not exactly quiet when doing so," Spencer's voice rang through the room.

"Holy fuck Spence," Ryan jumped and I laughed, that's the most scared I've seen him all night. "And how exactly do you know what we sound like?"

"Dude, I've been on the opposite side of the hotel room before."

Ryan was pressed against my chest and I could feel his cheeks redden. I would know, mine did too. I laughed it off and walked over to the door, slamming it in their faces. I heard giggling from the two men as they walked back to the guest room. Ryan and I finished getting ready for bed. I had my side, he had his. I was facing his back, and put my hand around his middle, pulling him closer. I felt him breathe small breaths and relax until he fell asleep.

I awoke to cold water on my face. I screamed. _Screamed._ I jumped up to Dallon and Spencer looking at me, worried looks on their faces. After I had gotten up and I was finally able to register everything.

"What, what's wrong?"

"Ryan. Where's Ryan?"

"What?" I jumped up.

"Ryan's missing, man!" Spencer said.

"What do you mean Ryan's gone?" I screamed.

"I mean, Ryan is not here. I have no idea where he is!" Spencer shouted back.

I jumped out of the shower, not bothering with shoes or a shirt. My pajama pants would have to suffice. I went to grab the keys from the counter, but they were gone. Spencer and Dallon were following close behind.

"Shit, shit, shit!" I yelled. "Do either of you guys have keys?"

Spencer held up his keys, "Let's go."

"Wait," I stopped myself before exiting the house, turning to Spencer and Dallon. "Where would we even look?"

Spencer and Dallon stopped to consider this. Spencer didn't wait much longer before shoving me away and running to the front door. Dallon just quirked an eyebrow. "Come on!" He called out from the door.

"They're pretty close. Okay, the only place I can think of is his dad's hospital."

"Isn't that in Nevada?"

I sighed, "Yes, yes it is."

I sprinted out to the car, Dallon following close behind once again. I was still only in the sweatpants that I wore to bed the previous night, and the old lady that lived next door gave me a curious look, but I decided to ignore it.

Spencer started the car and I got in the passenger's seat.

"Go to the hospital his dad's at!" I yelled. "Just go!" I yelled again when Spencer quirked an eyebrow.

"Where, Brendon? Where am I driving to?" He yelled back.

"Nevada. Go to Nevada. Vegas," I finished, and Spencer was out of the driveway.

We drove all day, not bothering with food until it was about five. We found a hotel in the middle of Nevada, still trying to find our way to Vegas. We rented out a room for the three of us, and then ran back out to a dollar store. I was bought flip flops and a shirt. After this we found a McDonalds. I didn't eat much, a few fries. I had a soda. Then I heard my phone buzz. Ryan.

"Ryan, ohmygodryan. Where have you been? We're worried suck!" I shouted.

"I went to the hospital," he stated shortly.

"Are you still there?" I ask.

"No, I'm at this hotel. I'll be home tomorrow."

"Well, see, we went to go find you and now we're in Nevada. And we have a hotel room so," I waited for him to answer.

He sighed, "Bren," he started. "I'll see you tomorrow. Glad you're safe."

"You too. I love you!" I almost shouted before he hung up.

"Yeah, you too."

_Click._

"That was Ryan. He's at a hotel. We're just going to stay the night and go back tomorrow?" I offer.

"He's safe?" Spencer asks, clearly worried.

"Yeah, he's safe. He didn't sound happy either," I twirled patterns on the table as we talked.

When Dallon and Spencer finished eating, we made our way back to the hotel room. The guys went up to their way back up to our room, I told them I was getting a coffee and I'll see them in a minute. I walked across the lobby to the coffee maker in the corner. There was a man sitting on the couch reading the news, his face buried in to whatever article he was reading. I finished making my coffee and sat down on the chair across from him.

"What're you reading?" I asked as I carefully took a sip of my coffee. Way too hot.

"Huh?" He asked before setting the newspaper down on the table and- Oh.

"Pete, you bastard!" I smiled and got up to give him a hug.

"What are you doing here, Urie?" He smiled, bright teeth flashing me.

"Ryan disappeared and we came looking for him," I answered nervously, rubbing the back of my neck.

"No shit! I'm here with Ryan; we went to go visit his dad!" Pete laughed.

"What?" I asked.

"He's here right now! In our room! Come on," Pete held out his arm, leading the way. I followed.

We walked back across the lobby, not before I grabbed my coffee. We went in to the elevator and back up the floors until the third floor. I followed Pete again until we reached the room. Pete dug out a key and opened it up. Ryan was laying on the bed closest to the window, watching the T.V. Pete cleared his throat. Ryan hummed and looked up, his face then got visibly pale.

"Look who's here! Brendon! Brendon's here, ran in to him in the lobby. How crazy?" Pete muses, still smiling.

"Uh, uhm, hello," Ryan squeaks, quickly turning away.

"Came to visit your father, huh?" I ask, clear irritation in my voice.

"Yes, actually."

"Looks like it," I scoff, looking at Pete. His usual smile had vanished. I turned my eyes back to Ryan who was not sitting up. He was shirtless, probably just in boxers. His usual sleepwear. "Why didn't you invite me? Why did you pick Pete over me?" I shouted. I mean, I didn't have anything against Pete, but, I'm Ryan's _boyfriend._

"It's difficult," Ryan tried to explain.

"Not even Spencer! You didn't even ask Spencer, your best friend for as long as I can remember!"

"Brendon! I trust Pete; he just was someone I wanted to talk-."

"Wait, you trust _Pete?_ Do you even know who I am? Your boyfriend, in case you forgot. God just!" I was still yelling, Ryan was still flushed, and Pete was still in the corner, keeping quiet. "I can't believe you don't trust me," I breathed.

"Bren, just-."

"Don't 'Bren' me," I note sourly. "And… And don't bother coming home," I finished.

I stormed out of the room, making sure the door slammed behind me. I walked back to my room, which was down the hall. I knocked furiously until Dallon answered. I felt the beginning tears streaming down my face.

"Bren," Dallon whispered as I collapsed in his arms. He fell to the floor, still holding me. The door shut behind him and I could hear Spencer's muffled footsteps come and go.

I continued sobbing in to his shirt, and he kept running his hands through my hair. Soothing words rang through my ears. I finally calmed myself down enough to sobs and hiccups.

"Now tell me, what happened?" His voice was till smooth and proper.

"Ryan's here," I choked. "With Pete."

"Is that bad?"

"Pete used to like Ryan. Pete came on to Ryan. Pete and Ryan fucked," I almost screamed and he pulled me closer.

"Hey, hey, Ryan wouldn't cheat on you," he whispered.

"You don't know that! You don't! It's… I cheated on him," I whispered and calmed myself down. I looked up at him and his composure was just the same. It was relaxing, calming. "I deserve to be cheated on, you know?"

"That was a mistake, you know. We both didn't know what we were doing. You didn't do anything. If it was anyone's fault, it was mine." He smiled at me, and I tried to return it. His hand was still carding through my hair and I was calming down more and more.

"I told him not to come home. Ha," I tried again, Dallon didn't respond so I kept going. "You would think that he would at least ask Spencer, but _Pete?_ It's not like I hate Pete, but, we don't have a good past. Obviously."

"Hmmm," he hummed. "Do you want to stay at Spencer's for a while?" He offered.

"No, no, three's a crowd. Can, can you maybe just stay with me again?" I asked, scared. Because if Ryan walked in on Dallon living with me. "A week tops." I clarified.

"Uh, sure, yeah, I don't see why not. I mean, if you really want me."

"I just don't want to be alone," I scooted closer in to him, burying my face in to his chest.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."


	10. Chapter 10

In hindsight, I really shouldn't have invited Dallon to stay. Me straddling him on the couch, his lips locked to mine, hands tracing every inch of my body, probably wasn't a good idea. He just tasted so _good._ My fingers tangled in his hair as a moan erupted from his throat.

"Bren, Brendon!"

I jolted awake.

"What?" I almost yelled; Dallon gave me an apologetic look.

"Someone's at the door," and with that he walked off. But before he completely disappeared he yelled, "Nice boner!" And shit.

I tried to cover it up, best I could, but that wasn't going to happen. So I gave up, hoping whoever was at the door just wouldn't look. I walked from the living room over to the front door. I shooed Bojangles away before opening it. And of course it was Ryan.

"Nice wood," he commented, raising his eyebrows.

"What?" I asked, crossing my arms.

"I came to apologize."

"Really? For which part? Going with Pete or just now letting me know you're still alive?"

"What?"

"I've been worried sick!"

"About me?"

"No about Pete!" I yelled sarcastically. He looked offended. "Ryan, it's been over a week."

"I was giving us space."

"I just… I just missed you," and I had him in a bear hug. His arms wrapped tightly around my waist. "I'm so sorry, I'm so, so sorry."

We stood there, holding each other for a moment. When we finally broke I could tell he was upset. He just hid it with sarcasm and brutality.

"Dallon's here?" He finally questioned, and, yeah, I knew that was about to come up.

"He comforted me."

"Funny how you wouldn't let Pete comfort me," he pointed out.

"Pete tries to fuck you every chance he gets."

"So you don't trust me?" He asked, but quickly added, "Never mind, don't answer that."

He rushed in the house, looking around. He saw Bojangles and Hobo in the corner come rushing to him and he immediately bent down to give them so hugs. I tried to not let out how angry I am. He smiled as Hobo licked his face in recognition.

"I'm still mad at you." I said.

"I'll sleep on the couch. Is Dallon still here?"

"Yes."

"Hmm, is he leaving anytime soon?"

"I don't know. Frankly, I don't mind his company. He can stay as long as he wants."

"What if I do?" Ryan asks through gritted teeth.

"Then you can leave."

"Excuse me? This is my house!"

"Your choice," I shrugged.

"We need to talk."

"Isn't that what we're already doing?"

"Really, because I call this fighting." I crossed my arms across my chest again and every little ember that was just extinguished with that previous hug has been reignited.

"You're being stupid."

"Stupid? Our relationship is on the line!" I yelled. I could hear Dallon close his door down the hall. The dogs stopped panting and wagging their tails. They retreated back to my-our room.

"This is serious," he whispers.

"Yeah. It is. You ran off, we came looking for you, and you were with Pete! Then you didn't call, this is the first time I've seen you in almost two weeks and-."

"Bren! I get it!" He yells. "I screwed up."

"You did."

"I'm sorry."

"You're not."

"Really, though. I didn't think me going out with a _friend_ would upset you this bad. I should've known you had trust issues, with your parents and all," Ryan smirked.

"Are you serious right now? Seriously, Ross? That's low. Even for you," I started getting angry. "You… No. Stop. This isn't working," I held up my hands in defeat. "I'm done with you and your shit!"

"What? Are you… Are you breaking up with me?" He was standing again, weak. I felt tears start. "You are! God, Bren…" Then he started crying. "We can't just… We have one misunderstanding, and we're going to end it?" He asked shakily.

"Please, Ry-."

"No, don't 'Ry' me. You want me gone? Fine, I'm gone."

I started wiping my cheeks. I watched as Ryan walked back across the room to the door, nodding me off. After the door closed, I collapsed on the floor. Nobody came out to make sure I was okay. So, I sat there, crying.

_later:_

The phone rings. And rings. And rings. After the voice of Ryan's answering machine rang through once more I chucked the phone across the room. Dallon was already at the doorway with a cookie and a beer. He sat on the end of the bed with me and handed me the drink and food. I took a drink of the beer, but put the cookie aside. I don't even want that.

"Break up's suck but-."

"We didn't break up," I snap. Angry that he would even try to bring that up.

"Bren, he's not answering your calls, he hasn't apologized… I don't know what else to say."

"I just… He can't just leave me like that! I still have his stuff. He has to confront me! Doesn't he?" I almost begged. It was so _hard_ living without Ryan.

"It's only been a week. Eat. It's good for you," he motioned to the cookie.

"Not hungry," I mumbled. And I'm not.

"You haven't eaten all week."

"What's the point?"

"Now you're just being dramatic."

"And what if I am?"

"Brendon, stop. You're being unreasonable. Just… He'll be back. You know he will."

"He didn't even come to practice. Just so he wouldn't see me."

"He's scared. You know he is. He's scared that everything you guys said to each other were true. He's hurt."

"So am I!" I exclaimed. I'm upset too. I miss him. So much.

"Give it time."

Instead of answering him, I collapsed on the bed, staring at the ceiling. I closed my eyes and I let the world disappear for a moment. And for a split second, I wasn't upset. Then I heard the doorbell ring. And that could only be two people:

Spencer.

Or Ryan.

I didn't move at first and neither did Dallon. After another ring, Dallon swallowed, and stood up. I heard him walk across the house to the front door, open it, and greet whoever was there. I heard the door close. I heard Dallon walk back to my room and stand at the doorway.

"He says he's sorry, you know."

"He's here?" I almost shouted, sitting up. Dallon nods his head.

"Go talk to him."

"Do I have to?" I whined.

"Yes."

I sighed and got up from the bed, taking the beer with me. I slowly walked down the hall to Ryan sitting on the couch. Hobo was up on his lap wagging his butt he was so happy that Ryan was there. Ryan had pulled his knees up to his chest, and he just looked so _small._

"Do you want a beer?" I offered and he nodded his head, not looking at me. "Right."

I walked to the kitchen and opened the fridge, grabbing two beers. I finished the one Dallon brought me earlier and threw it out. I opened the other two with the bottle opener that hung on the fridge and walked back out to Ryan.

"They really missed you, you know," I motioned to the dogs and handed him the beer. He nodded his head.

"Yeah, I missed them too," he smiled. It wasn't happy. Sad. Yeah, it was sad. He took the beer and chugged it down. "Thanks."

"Yeah, of course." I sat down in the chair across from him. Breathe in. Breathe out. "So, what uh…"

"I came to apologize. I mean, I miss you Bren," he managed to say. "And I really screwed up. I mean, yeah, you should've have blown up on me when you found out I was with Pete. You should've trusted me. I, on the other hand, should've explained to you. I- no, let me talk," he stopped me when I started talking. "I called Pete because… Because I missed him. Yeah, you hate him. Yeah, every other person in the world can't stand him, for obvious reasons. But he's been there for me a lot of the time. So I called him up and he agreed. Brendon, there was no physical contact between us. Nothing happened. I'm sorry, Bren. I'm really sorry." He finished and I didn't know what to say. I had been so mad for so long over nothing.

"I'm so sorry, Ryan. I am so sorry, Ry, just, God," I got up from my seat and walked over to him. And I could see tears on his face and I knew tears were on mine. I grabbed him a pulled him to my chest, burying my face in to his hair. "God, I am so stupid. So, so stupid." His arms tightened around my waist and I just started taking in his scent. I missed it. All of it. "Ryan, please don't leave me."

"Never. I'll never leave you, Bren."

We sat there, holding each other for another couple of minutes, taking each other in. And God I missed him. God, I can just never be a bitch to him again.

"So, can I sleep with you tonight?" He asked after we had calmed ourselves down.

I laughed, "I would hope so," I smiled and kissed him and it was wet and sloppy, but it was him. "Let me go tell Dallon. He'll be so happy to hear about this," I smiled again and Ryan laughed.

I got up, but not before kissing Ryan again, and walked back to the guest room where Dallon would be. I opened the door and Dallon was… Well, he was already packing?

"What?" I ask and he laughed.

"You two made up, I should leave. I'll go back to Spencer's," he was still smiling.

"You could, uh, you could stay…" I offered.

"No, no, you guys will have make up sex and I definitely don't want to be here for that."

"Ha, no, but, yeah, just… I mean, if you want to leave, then sure, but you can stay here for as long as you like?" I tried again.

"I'll be gone in about thirty minutes Bren."

"Well, thanks. I mean, for being here. I, just, thanks," I nodded.

"Hey, anytime," he smiled again and walked over and gave me a hug. A hug that probably lasted a lot longer than it should have.

"Yeah, I'll wait for you out in the living room," he waved me off.

I walked back out to the living room where Ryan was watching T.V. and I smiled because things might actually go back to the way they were before. He looked up and saw me, smiling at me too. I crawled in to his lap, stuffing my face in to the crook of his neck. He sighed contently and this is the first time I've been happy in weeks.

_Later, again:_

Things actually went smoothly for once. Ryan and I managed to get through the week without fighting. Even Spencer seemed in a relatively good mood which was really out of the ordinary. Everything was just perfect.

Well, at this point I should've known better than to think things would forever go right and nothing bad would ever happen again. Then Sarah showed up at my doorstep, and let's just say that things stopped going smoothly. Ryan was out with Spencer, catching up on the past few weeks, when the doorbell rang.

I got up from my spot on the piano bench, through the halls, and went to the door. Bojangles and Hobo already had beaten me to it and I shoved them away. I opened the door and there she stood. Her black hair down to her shoulders, bangs cut right above her eyebrows, black leather pants on with a white top and a jean jacket. I swallowed hard.

"Brenny bear!" She squealed and threw her arms around my neck.

"Uh," I tried, but she was still latched on to me. "You can get off of me now." She finally let go and invited her inside my home. "What are you doing here?" I ask, finally finding my voice.

"I came to visit you, of course! Oh Hobo, it's been far too long!" She beamed, crouching down on the floor to scratch the dog's head. Hobo only backed up. "Awh, Brenny, they won't let me pet them!" She complained.

"Don't call me that."

"Oh, is that Ryan's nickname for you? Getting to personal?" She giggled, "So, what have you been up to?" She kept smiling, and sat down on the couch. I kept my position by the door.

"Sarah. What do you want?" I ask again.

"I just want to make sure everyone's doing well. I like keeping good terms, you know."

"I don't, actually. Get out."

"You're being unreasonable again. Brenny, I came to apologize. I feel like it's my fault we broke up, take me back?" She asked, hopefully.

"No way," I scoffed.

"Hold on, you didn't hear what would happen if we didn't get back together," she mused.

"Amuse me."

"Maybe it would accidently slip to the media you're gay," she smirked.

And for a split second I panicked. "I don't care. Half of them know anyway. This country isn't like it was in the 70's."

"No, no, but…" She trailed off for a second, staring at me. "But, Brenny, I miss you," she tried again.

"Get out. It's better for the both of us."

"Please," she begged. Sarah stood up and crossed the room. I had my hand on the door knob and was just waiting to open it for her. "Brendon, we both know you're not very good when it comes to self control." She was in my face now.

"Get. Now." I opened the door for her.

Before she could close the gap between our lips I heard the car door open. And yeah, Ryan just had to come home right now.

"Get out!" I yell again. I heard Ryan running up the steps. "Get the fuck out!" I yell again and Sarah actually looks shocked. "I don't know why you came, but just… God, leave. Get out," I was getting frustrated now. Ryan was watching the scene unfold by the door now. "Sarah, dammnit, take a hint!" And with that I grabbed her arm and drug her out. She scoffed, rather loudly at that, and made her way back to her car.

Ryan didn't know what to make of it. He stared at me like it was my fault, but he knew it wasn't.

"Ry…" But the best thing I could do right now is let him walk away and calm down.

I really fucked it up this time, didn't I my dear?


	11. Chapter 11

The car ride to the studio was relatively quiet. Ryan said he wasn't mad, but I could tell he was unnerved. Ryan was driving fast, his hands tightly gripped around steering wheel.

"Ry, relax," I sighed.

He slowed down a little bit, loosening his grip. He took a big sigh.

"I know it's not your fault. I know. I'm just mad. God, sorry."

"No, no, it's fine, don't worry about it. It's not my fault, though. She just showed up."

"I know. God, I know."

I tried grabbing his hand again, but he pulled away. I gave up on trying to reassure him and stared out of my window. Nothing caught my eye, so I returned to staring at the pretty brown haired boy sitting next to me. His face was content on staring at the road ahead of us. His brown locks were out of place and a bandana wrapped around his head. His brown shirt's sleeves were rolled up to his elbows and his brown vest may have been a little bit too tight. When Ryan suddenly turned in to the driveway is when I finally tore my eyes off him. I sighed before getting out of the car after Ryan turned the key and pulled it out of the ignition. We were the first ones here.

"I hate it when they're late," he complained after we had gotten out of the car and started up the sidewalk. I finally was able to grab his hand and he didn't pull away.

"It just gives me some more personal time with you," I wiggled my eyebrows but he wasn't able to see.

"Bren, we live with each other."

"Not like it matters, you avoid me," I mumbled. And he does! Ever since the Sarah encounter, he's been avoiding me. I hear him sigh, but he doesn't say anything else.

We continued up the steps to the studio, and got to the door. I went to open it, but it was locked. I tapped my foot impatiently and waited for Ryan to unlock the door. Then there was an 'uh-oh' sound

"What?" I asked.

"I… I don't have the key."

"What do you mean, you don't have the key?"

"I don't have the damn key, Brendon! What else would that mean?"

"I don't know! Let's just wait for Jon and Spencer to get here."

"We don't really have another option."

"Yeah, okay, whatever." I sighed and plopped down on the steps. Ryan followed my example and he was soon next to me.

Ryan put a hand on my knee and I felt it flex and I put my hand on top of his. I held it there for a couple of minutes, waiting for him to speak.

"I'm sorry," he finally said. I took my hand away from his and wrapped it around his shoulders, pulling him closer. Ryan rested his head against my shoulder. Its okay, baby. It's okay.

...

"Where are you going again?" Ryan asked from the bedroom while I was in the bathroom. I ran my fingers through my hair again. Finally I got my hair to stay right where I want it to.

"Aha!" I yelled, smiling at my final piece.

"What?" Ryan asked when walking in the room.

"I got my hair perfect!" I smiled.

"Awh, look at my Brenny's perfect hair," he teased and wrapped his arm around my waist. I kissed the top of his head and looked at us in the mirror.

"I gotta get going, babe." I turned around and kissed him on the lips. "Awh, man, with you smelling like that I might just have to be late," I murmured and started kissing him on the neck.

Ryan giggled and I smiled at the vibrations against my lips, "Bren, you have to get going," he smiled and I kissed him again. "Are you just going out with Dallon?"

"Yup, it's me and Dallon. He just needs some help writing some music."

"And he called you, not me?" Ryan laughed.

"Fuck you, Ross," I smiled and kissed him again.

I walked back out to our room, grabbing one of my coats from our bed. I slipped it on over my blazer and light gray tank.

"I like those pants on you," he called out slapping my ass. I smirked.

"Mhm," I hummed, still smiling. "Wait for a couple hours, and then I'm all yours," I winked.

I continued out to the living room, Ryan still following me. I picked up my phone and texted Dallon saying that I was on my way. I stuck the phone in my pocket and grabbed the keys from the counter. I turned around to Ryan one last time and kissed him slowly.

"Alright, I really do have to go now," I smiled, kissing him one more time.

"I'll wait for you."

"You better," I finished and slapped his ass. He laughed as I walked out the door with a final goodbye.

I trotted off of the steps down to the car. I looked at the clock that illuminated after I turned the vehicle on. Five P.M. I'll stay at Dallon's until seven and be home in time so I can spend some time with Ryan.

Dallon finally realized that Breezy wasn't going to invite him back and found a house for rent. He didn't live that far out, and I was there in fifteen minutes. I turned off the car, taking the keys with me as I walked up the steps to his house. I rang the doorbell and waited for five minutes before he answered. Dallon looked… Stunning for a lack of a better word. He was in a pair of straight legged jeans, a gray top, but with a black blazer over it. His feet were bare. It was a mixture of sophistication and his home life in one. I smiled at him, even if his brown hair was hanging in front of his eyes; I knew his eyes lit up to mine.

"Come on in," he offered, extending his arm out.

I nodded my head and walked in. His house wasn't anything spectacular, but it wasn't a trailer either. It was cozy. Warm. I walked further in until Dallon had the door closed behind me.

"I thought we could go to the music room?" He suggested.

"Yeah, considering we're writing music, I think that'd be a safe bet."

"Yeah, and I'll order pizza in about an hour."

"Sure, man."

I followed Dallon back to what was probably originally a guest room, but seeing that there would be no guests he turned it in to a music room. Bass guitars and acoustic guitars lined the wall. A piano sat in the corner, a big red carpet lie in the middle of the room.

"Nice piano," I commented, immediately going to sit down on the bench. I pressed the keys and started playing. Dallon sat down on the couch on the other side of the room, picking up some papers from the coffee table that lay in front of it.

I stopped playing and looked over at the pieces of sheet music and notebook paper sprawled out across the table. I got up from the bench and walked towards the couch, sitting next to Dallon.

"So, how much do you have?" I ask and he pointed to a trashcan filled to the brim with balls of paper. "Oh," I mouthed and he laughed.

"I've never struggled this much before."

"Have you been distracted? Usually that's why I can't write, because something's distracting me. Or maybe that inspires me to write. Depends, really," I started rambling. "I mean, just. Be you?"

"You're really bad at advice." He laughed.

"Yeah, I get that a lot."

"Well, inspire me Urie."

"I… And how do you expect me to do that?"

"I don't know. Do something!"

"I can't believe you called me and not Ryan. My lyrics are _awful._"

"I really like that one song you wrote. That, uh, Hurricane! That song! Yeah, I thought it was good."

"I wrote that after an all night sex marathon with Ryan."

"Uh."

"Your album, Violent Things, it was good. What happened?"

"Maybe you're right. Maybe I am just distracted. Because that was a damn good album."

"Exactly!" I exclaim. "So stop being distracted."

"It's not that easy," he laughed.

"And why not! Just get rid of the source of whatever is distracting. Get away from it, take a vacation!"

"I mean, I don't know, Bren. It's not that easy."

"Do you know what's distracting you?"

"I might," he said quietly.

"Hmmm?"

Dallon stared down at his shoes and I raise my eyebrows. He looked small; he was curling himself up on me. He wasn't letting me in anymore.

"Dal?" I asked.

And the next thing I know his lips are on mine. It took me a minute to register what was happening, but when I did, Dallon had already pulled back.

"Uh-." He starts.

"I should probably go."

"Yeah, probably."

We waited a few minutes and I looked back at him. Dallon wasn't making any eye contact with me. "Hey," I whispered. And he looked up. I didn't necessarily want to kiss him, but this overwhelming urge came over me and God. He kissed differently than Ryan. Ryan and I fought for dominance while he was just submissive.

Instead of even trying to open his mouth I pulled back.

"Yeah, that was…" I ran my fingers through my hair.

"Interesting?" He tried.

"Yeah, that," I said. He looked confused. "I'm just going to go."

"I'll see you Sunday?" He offered.

"Yeah, yeah. Have, uh, have a good week," I said finally before walking out of the room.

I walked down the hall in to the living room and picked my coat off of the back of the sofa. I put it on with shaky hands and walked out the door.


	12. Chapter 12

"I like that song!" I whined after Ryan smashed the keys on the piano once more.

"I think it would sound better with an acoustic guitar," he said, running his fingers through his hair. "I'm not feeling the piano."

"Maybe the piano knows something you don't know."

"Shut the fuck up, Urie."

I only sweetly smiled at him. I then got up from the armchair and walked across the room, sitting next to Ryan on the piano bench. I wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him closer to me. He sighs and rests his head on my shoulder.

"I hate not being able to write anything," Ryan complained.

"You're doing fine."

"I have half of a song. People are waiting, Bren."

"Take your time. Who gives if it takes us a few years?"

"Brendon! I should have lyrics! I should have songs! I should have it, damn it!" He yelled, slamming his hands down on the piano.

"You sound pressured," I whisper, sliding to the other end of the bench.

"Hell yes I'm tired! I'm fucking exhausted!" He's still yelling.

"What kind of exhausted?"

"The kind where I'm so drained I can't sleep," he quieted down. "I feel like they need something or they're going to never listen to us again."

"We should come out to them," I laugh. Sarah hasn't said anything and we haven't been bombarded by tweets and fan mail, so I'm assuming nobody really knows. Ryan glares at me. "I'm just kidding, calm your balls."

"You're not funny, you know."

"I'm a little bit funny," I wink.

"We still have to give them something."

"A picture of my dick?"

"Bren!"

"Love you," I drug out the 'you' and batted my eyelashes annoyingly. Ryan huffed and turned his attention back to the piano. "Look, they've stuck with us so far, I think they'll continue to stick with us. Even if they don't, it's your music. What do you care what they think?"

"Because they pay the bills, you know. They feed us and give us clothes and they keep us alive!"

"We have enough money to keep us alive for the next five lifetimes, Ry!" I sighed and rested my forehead in my hands. "Just calm down, please?" I tried begging. Because I really just hated it when Ryan was upset. I hated getting yelled at by him and I just got worried. I can't deal with upset Ryan Ross again.

"I'm going to bed," he grumbled and got up from the bench, heading towards out bedroom.

I sighed and followed.

Pressure, I've learned, is the beginning of the end. At the time, though, I did not realize how drastically everything would change. Honestly, I should've seen it coming from a mile away.

I grabbed Ryan one more time; bring him to me and forcing my lips upon his. It was messy and sloppy and he laughed through the whole kiss.

"Bren, it's just lunch with Spencer!" He giggled.

"But I love you," I cried, dramatically throwing my hands over his shoulders and kissing him again.

"Asshole, move!" He shouted, still laughing.

"What if you _never_ com back? I mean, you'll be gone for _hours,"_ I drug on, trying to stop him from leaving. I woke up with a boner and he's expecting me to take care of it on my own? I don't think so. "Hey, I have an idea," I whispered in his ear. I wrapped my arms around his middle and his back to me. "I'll blow you of you blow me," I whispered again, nibbling at his ear. Ryan shivered.

"Bren," he mumbled but I was already kissing his neck. "Brendon," he repeated and I stopped. "I really do have to go. I promise when I get home," he said and turned around to kiss me. When he finally pulled away he said, "I love you."

"I love you too." I whispered and kissed him one more time.

I watched as Ryan left the house, waving me off one more time. I sighed and looked down at the two dogs that were wagging their tails.

"What are you guys hungry?" I laughed.

I walked in to the kitchen, the dogs eagerly following me, and I went to the cupboard that I knew held the treasured dog food. I pulled out the bag of dog chow and poured it in to the two bowls that the dogs rushed to. I watched them for a minute while they ate. After they were mildly satisfied, I walked to the music room.

I smiled at the guitar that was now on the ground. Ryan had used it earlier and got frustrated. He had to set it down in the corner before throwing it across the room. I picked it up, walked over to its spot on the wall, and hung it up. I looked across the room for any other objects that may have been strewn about, but I couldn't find any. I walked back over to a desk that sat on one side of the room, picking up the sheets of music and notebook paper. I quickly looked over the sheet that happened to land on top. _My percussive feet serve cobweb headaches as a matching set of marching clocks… _was written first, underneath were a bunch of scribbles and words Brendon didn't recognize.

I left the papers on the desk and walked back out to the living room. Hobo was lying on the couch, sleeping after his lunch. I smiled again at the warm sight and decided to take a nap himself. I walked back to his room, slipping off his shirt and pants. I carefully crawled in to bed, letting what little tiredness take over my body until I fell asleep.

I awoke to Ryan. He looked pissed, and that was saying something because it was Ryan. I didn't even have time to get up before he was growling at me.

"Wait, what?" I asked.

"She was here again!" He yelled.

"Sarah?" He nodded. "Is she still here?"

"No, of course not! I kicked her out!" He yelled again.

"Right, yeah," I mumbled, still trying to wake up. God, I must have really been asleep.

"Bren, she said she needed to talk to you."

"I don't want to talk to her," I grumbled, finally getting up. I found a pair of sweatpants on the floor and slipped them on.

"It's important."

"Did she tell you?"

"No, but-."

"I think I'll just ignore her, and she can call me if she's so desperate."

"Okay, whatever," he muttered.

"How was lunch with Spencer?" I tried.

"Yeah, it was alright. Jon called." Ryan answered, moving to lay on the bed.

"And what did he have to say?"

"He met this guy, uh, Nick White? Ever heard of him?"

"Yeah, he's from that band, uh," I snapped my fingers trying to remember the name, "Tilly and the Wall!" I finally concluded.

"Oh, well, I had no idea who he was. Jon really likes him. Said something about doing a side project with him."

"What? Seriously?" I found myself sitting on the end of the bed, legs crossed, hands absentmindedly rubbing the balls of his feet.

"Yeah, I don't know. Whatever, I'm happy for him."

"He's still going to play with us, right?"

"Of course," Ryan laughed.

"It's funny, that the bassists seem to cause the most trouble around here," I smiled.

We sat in silence for a while, not bothering each other with mindless thoughts. I hear my phone buzz from across the room, but give it a few minutes before getting up. I cross the room and pick it up. A number I didn't recognize.

"Hello?"

"Brendon Boyd! Don't you hang up!" Sarah. Of course.

"What?" I ask impatiently.

"I, well, see, don't call me crazy, but, I think I may be well, please don't yell, promise you won't yell!"

"What the hell? Yeah, sure, go on," I gave a confused look to Ryan and walked out to the hall.

"Oh, god, Bren, IthinkImightbepregnant."

"WHAT!"

"Sorry about that."

"You have to be fucking kidding me!"

"I, uh, well; five pregnancy tests say I'm not."

"Is it mine? Are you sure?"

"I'm not a whore!"

"Whatever!"

"No, Bren, it's yours."

"Fuck."

"Look, I'm sorry-."

"I'm going to get this straight now: I will love this kid until the end of time. But I want _nothing_ to do with you. Ever. I'll pay child support; I will take it to soccer practice. Just, I better not see you. Like, at fucking all." I breathed in. _One, two, three._ Breathe again.

"Seriously?"

"Bye Sarah. Call me in nine months." And I hung up.

I sighed again, throwing the phone in my pocket. It didn't buzz again. I walked back in to our room where Ryan's face was too pale for me not too worry. I ran and sat down next to him.

"What's up?" I asked as I started rubbing small circles in his back.

"My dad just died. You?"

"Sarah's pregnant."

"Oh." He said simply.

"We're really fucked."


	13. Chapter 13

I'm going to be a dad.

It hadn't quite hit me yet. It was an interesting concept. Me being a father. I had to forever care for another being. A person who couldn't care for themselves.

God, I am screwed.

Dallon's wife sent the divorce papers, and Jon is more focused on this side project than the new album. Spencer's the only one who's actually doing well. He's lost weight, had a new girlfriend.

Ryan's spent his days in the music room. Sometimes he'll be writing music, sometimes he'll be reading, and sometimes he'll just be sitting there, thinking.

I haven't had a decent conversation with him in weeks.

"I want the house salad." I answered the waitress when she asked what we wanted to start us off. Dallon stared at me in shock.

"And you?" She asked chewing her gum obnoxiously.

"Uh, I'll have the same. Yeah, the same."

"Alright, honey." She said and walked away.

Dallon doesn't already talk much, and with recent events, we haven't really kept in touch. This is the first time I've seen him since, since we were to write lyrics together. I've called him, apologizing for something I wasn't exactly entirely sorry for. He's apologized too. I realized I was zoning out.

"Ryan? How's Ryan?" Dallon repeated.

"Stressed," I answer.

"Is there, uh, going to be a funeral?"

"No. No one would go anyway," I spit, thinking of all those _wonderful_ memories I had of Ryan's father. "He was buried a couple days ago," I supply. Dallon nodded.

"I'm sorry about that."

"Nah, nobody misses the old thing anyway," I dismiss it with a wave of my hand.

"What dressing do you want?" The waitress came back, making me jump in my seat.

"Ranch," Dallon and I say at the same time.

"Right," and she headed back to the kitchen.

"Ryan likes honey mustard. I never cared for it, personally." Dallon just nodded his head. "Thanks. For coming to lunch with me," I clarify when he furrows his eyebrows. "Ryan's been distant. You know?"

"Not really," he laughs.

"Well, you know, with his father being dead. I just… It's hard to get through to him. He likes to sit in the music room a lot. I tried asking him if he's writing or what he's doing in there, but he won't answer me. He just shrugs me off. I'm being shut out. It's actually kind of scaring me." I stopped to take in a breath, but before I continue talking Dallon interrupted me.

"Bren, you're a great boyfriend to him. You're perfect for Ryan, and Ryan's perfect for you. Even if he wasn't the greatest dad, he was still Ryan's dad. You have to give him some space."

"That's really hard for me, Dallon."

"Yeah, I know," he laughs, but I kept my mouth shut. "He loves you. That's more than obvious."

The waitress came back with the salads. Dallon and I took the chance to end the conversation. I picked at my salad more or less. It was good, don't get me wrong, but I'm not up for eating.

Lunch ended in silence.

I got home about an hour later. It was nice to have human contact considering Ryan's been pretty distant lately. I unlocked the front door, greeted by Penny Lane and Hobo. I patted them quickly on the head and made my way back to the bedroom. Ryan wasn't in there, but I didn't bother going and looking for him. I slipped off my coat and blazer, stripped down to my grey striped tank top and my red pants. I made a frustrated noise and collapsed on the bed just waiting for more shit to get flung my way.

Maybe this is all God's punishment for being Atheist.

Yeah that's it.

I turned my head a bit to be more comfortable and that's when I noticed the note. I didn't go to read it first. I just laid there. But the longer I stared at it, well, that's when I noticed it was addressed to me. I picked it up carefully, sitting up to read it properly.

_Went out for a walk. Have my phone if you need me._

_Love you. Xx RR_

I could barely make out Ryan's messy scrawl.

I sighed and realized how much I was being shut out. I felt my heart sink at the thought of our relationship ending. Then I felt it sink even lower, because I'm being a jerk to our friends, shutting them out because I've been spending all my damn time worried about Ryan. After Ryan's father died, we decided to stop with rehearsals for a while. Dallon's looking for a place to live. My relationship is ending with Ryan. I blink rapidly to stop the hot prickling from behind my eyes.

Then I curl up in a ball and try to forget who I am.

Next time I open my eyes, I hear Ryan coming through the front door. Or who I assume is Ryan. I don't move though. If he wants to talk, he can come in here and talk. Hobo barks. I can hear Ryan's voice. I can hear footsteps. The door opens.

"Bren?"

"I'm asleep."

Ryan ignores me and comes to lay down next to me. I turn around to face him. We don't touch though. I've learned that with him. He doesn't like physical contact unless he initiates it.

"You're not a good sleeper."

"Than maybe I'm hiding."

"What are you hiding from?"

"Life." Ryan laughs at this. I blink. I'm not kidding. "I'm scared." I try again and his tone turns serious.

"What are you scared of?" He reaches out to stroke my cheek, and I hold his hand.

"I'm scared for Dallon. I'm scared for our band. I'm scared because I'm going to be a dad. I'm scared because you're avoiding me. I'm scared that we won't last forever," I whisper the last part, half hoping he wouldn't hear me. But he did. I could hear him, feel him, get scared.

"Brendon, no, please," he almost pleaded. I wasn't trying to end it. No. No, I don't want to do that at all.

"Ryan, I'm… I don't want us to end. That's why I'm scared." I say scared, but terrified, paralyzed with fear is more like it.

"I don't want us to end either."

"Prove it."

Ryan stays still.

"Exactly," I huff and stand up to leave the bedroom. I look back, but Ryan's still on the bed. "Whatever," and I run to the living room.

I call Dallon and ask if I can stay the night.

He says yes.


	14. Chapter 14

Ryan hadn't even called me. I stared at the phone that laid on the nightstand beside the guest bed. It was charging. It was working. There wasn't even a text. I snuck a peak at the time. Almost two in the morning. I heard movement in the room next to mine.

I decided to get out of the bed and head to Dallon's room. I was only in a pair of pajama pants and felt the cold of the house hit me after I threw the covers off of me. I quietly padded out of the room, opening my door to Dallon.

"Oh, sorry," I mumble.

"Why are you still awake?"

"I can't sleep."

I was suddenly engulfed in a hug.

"Just come sleep with me. Or you know what," he suddenly suggests after pulling away from the surprisingly comforting hug and I arch my eyebrows. "We can stay up all night, watching movies. I have hot chocolate mix and everything."

I laugh because how is he not gay?

"C'mon, it'll be so much fun!" He mused and I smiled.

"Yeah, sure, let's do it. Like a bunch of teenagers."

"Exactly!" And he rushed out to the living room with me at his heels. Dallon directs me towards a pile of movies and tells me to pick while he goes and makes popcorn and that's when it occurred to me:

Hot chocolate and popcorn are going to taste like shit together.

I find a couple scary movies that I know are bound to keep us up all night and suddenly I feel a lot better. I pick one movie out of the pile of my three choices and pop it in the DVD player.

Dallon comes back with two bowls of popcorn and no drinks.

"Oh shit! I'll get us some hot chocolate!"

"Dal?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I just have a beer?" He laughs.

"Yes, Brendon. You can have a beer." I smile gratefully.

After we have our drinks and popcorn settled, we press play for the movie. We're on opposite ends of the couch with our opposite bowls and our opposite drinks and our opposite blankets and it almost feels wrong. Almost.

Dallon stretches out, and his feet touch mine and I reach out to absentmindedly rub his feet but suddenly remember who he is and where I am. And- holy shit. Holy fucking shit that guy's head just fell off.

Needless to say I screamed. Dallon laughed and I flipped him off.

"No, no, it's okay. Awh, is Brendon Urie scared? Come here, I'll hold you."

I didn't initiate it, so it doesn't count, right? Dallon sits upright and so do I and I scoot closer to him. I curl up in to Dallon's side as he wraps an arm around my shoulders.

I guess I fell asleep because Dallon was shaking me a couple of minutes later.

"Bren, wake up, Bren, we fell asleep."

I crack my eyes open a little bit and I see a very beautiful (scratch that) friendly face in front of me. I smile at it and it smiles back.

"Let's go out and get some breakfast, oh, just kidding, lunch. What do you say?"

"Yeah, sounds great."

We separate and there's a moment of cold and discomfort from the loss of contact and body heat. The air suddenly gets thick.

"I'll, yeah, I'll go change. Yeah, good plan," I mumble to myself more than to him.

I walk back to the guest room, finding a pair of jeans I brought and a hoodie. I slip on the articles of clothing. I decide to leave the clothes I slept in sprawled around the room. I grab my phone and stuff it in one of my pockets without checking it.

The streets were quiet. The wind blew hard against my face and I cringed, wishing I wore glasses instead of contacts. We arrived at this little hole in the wall place that Dallon swears has great burgers.

While lunch felt inviting and Dallon assured me that I could stay at his place as long as I wanted, I refused. I should get home to Ryan, I said. He sighed and we hugged goodbye.

The door to my house isn't locked. I walked straight in to a disaster for lack of better words. Neither of the dogs came running up to me which worried me. There were beer bottles everywhere. I sighed and walked straight back to our room. The bed was unmade and the curtains closed, crumpled up paper everywhere. I kicked off my shoes by the bed.

Then I heard the piano being played from the music room. I smiled a bit, trying to remember that I was still mad at Ryan.

Ryan was talented with guitar. Sure he was, he was talented with all string instruments. Before we were even an item, I would sit and listen to him play guitar in the hotel rooms long after the concert was over. Long after his fingers had started bleeding. It was a memory I was quite fond of. Anyway, yes, Ryan was quite talented with guitar. What people seemed to not appreciate was his talent with the piano. I could almost see his fingers dance along the keys, making that beautiful sound no on else seemed to match. After a little debate with myself, I decide to follow the beautiful sound and start towards the music room.

The halls creak under my heavy steps and I try my best to not alert Ryan of my presence. He was still playing the melody by the time I reached the door. It was slightly cracked and I took a minute to watch. Ryan seemed so calm. So in his element. I smiled, because, God, it's been so long since Ryan's looked happy. I finish walking in. He keeps playing.

"I really like that." I said and he starts, stopping his piano playing. "Sorry."

"Don't be," he amends, letting his hands fall in to his laps, but he doesn't turn to face me. "Did you, uh, did you have a fun time?"

"Yeah, it was alright. Dallon took me to this great restaurant with the _best_ burgers. I'm totally taking you there some day."

"Yeah, sure, I mean, I guess," he mumbles and I furrow my eyebrows even though he still hasn't looked at me yet. "Did you fuck him?"

"What?"

"Did you fuck him?"

"What? No! God, no, of course not. Holy shit, Ry!"

"What? I had a right to ask! You were really upset when you left."

"Of course I was! You weren't trying to save our relationship at all! Damn it, Ryan, we might not even be in a relationship!"

"Are you breaking up with me?"

"Ryan is… Are we even worth it anymore?"

"I think we are!" He started yelling and I flinch.

"You won't even look at me! You won't even fucking love me!" I scream and Hobo, who was hiding in a near by corner ran to the other room. I'm standing up straighter, my hands curled in to fists. Ryan's still slouched. I can't read him. Hurt? Guilt? I couldn't tell. I blink quickly, trying to rid my face of tears. "Ryan, I left the house to go to another man's house, you didn't call! You didn't text! I miss you," I whisper because I'm almost too ashamed to say it. What if he doesn't miss me back?

In what seems like hours, Ryan slowly stands up. He sniffles a bit as he walks over to me, his eyes cast downwards. I try to regain my composure as best I can, wiping my eyes, blinking. I stand up straighter and he hugs me, arms wrapping around my waist. I wrapped mine around his shoulders, burying my face in his hair. I could feel his tears wet the front of the hoodie I'm wearing and it makes me hurt. It hurts because I caused this.

We collapse on the floor and I try to stay strong for him. I try so fucking hard.


	15. Chapter 15

Ryan's sleeping in the guest room. We're not talking, per say. We do our usual 'good morning's' and 'what do you want for dinner's', but other than that we're kind of avoiding each other. Today we have to go to rehearsal.

I pack my guitar in to its case, making sure it's locked. Then I travel to the closet, in search of a nice outfit to wear for the day.

Nice meaning a hoodie and jeans.

I yell to Ryan, telling him that I'm leaving. I hear a grunt in response. Whenever we've ever had to be at the same place, I've left earlier. I avoid the awkward car rides, and quite possibly the awkward conversations that we have yet to have. I grab my guitar case, and start for the door. Penny Lane is at my heels, wagging her tail. I almost consider taking her with me. But that'd result in another fight with Ryan.

I walk out in to the cold winter air, immediately regretting my decision of not wearing a coat. I open the passenger's side of the car, setting my guitar down and then I walk around, entering my own side of the car, starting it up and waiting for the feeling to return to my fingers.

With the radio turned up as loud as it will go and my singing, the ride didn't last long. When I arrived, I only saw Spencer's car and I suddenly silently hoped that Dallon was there.

Nope, erase. I love Ryan.

Ryan and I are going to get through this.

I slowly get out of the car and walk inside, guitar clutched tightly to my right side. I walked in to the lounge where Spencer and Dallon sat. Dallon smiled at me and I tried smiling back, but it probably looked more forced than anything. Spencer waved and I plopped down on the armchair opposite to them.

"What's up?" Spencer asks, breaking the ice. And I almost tell him what really is up.

"Nothing," I mumble. Just, Ryan and I are on the brink of breaking up at any moment I could have a mental breakdown and I'm so scared. I'm mad at myself for screwing this up. "Nothing at all."

"You're just here early, that's all."

"I could say the same thing about you."

"I wanted some personal time with the drums, man. Wrote some stuff, when's Ryan getting here?"

"I don't know, man," I answer and start fiddling with a loose string on my pants. "He'll be happy that you wrote something, though. He's been having trouble with writing music. Although I did hear him play something on the piano the other day and when I went to tell him it was good, he… Yeah, it was good," avoid eye contact.

"I'll try to get him to play it when he gets here."

I nod my head.

We sit in silence for the next ten minutes, waiting for Jon and Ryan to show up. I avoid eye contact when they do eventually show.

"Before we get started, I'd uh, like to have a band meeting," Jon says and we all nod. "Uh, well, I've been hanging out with this guy. We've talked about doing a side project and I mean, is that okay?" A series of "yeah's" erupt from the audience. "I've talked to Ryan about this and he would like to participate in this." Ryan nods his head, but I don't bother directly looking at him. "Now that we've agreed to do this side project, that means that this, our new album will have to be put on hold."

"Woah, wait! This band should be your first priority!" I yell, angrier that Ryan hasn't told me shit.

"This new album isn't going anywhere," Jon amends.

"That's not my fault."

"That's not my fault either," Ryan says and I glare at him.

"Well, what makes you think that being in a new band will help write music?"

"Maybe they won't pressure me! Maybe I'll be free to write what I want! You don't like what I write anyway."

"That's not true," I mumble, feeling my heart sink at every word.

"It's just for a year, and then we'll be back," Jon says, trying to calm everyone down.

"No, I'm not okay with this," I say, and hopefully I'm speaking for more than just myself.

"Well, you can't force us to stay with you guys," Ryan grumbles.

"No, you can't. But, if you leave… I can't guarantee that I wouldn't have written an album without you," I say.

"I, I have to agree with Brendon," Spencer says, making me jump. He's always quiet when we're fighting. "I don't want to wait."

"Fine, do it without us," Ryan says. Jon nods.

"We just might!" I yell.

"Then I quit!" Ryan says and the whole room grows silent.

"Me too," Jon says a little more quiet than Ryan did. I can see the color drain from Spencer's face.

"Guys, wait. Ryan, don't make this about what's happening between you and Brendon. That's not fair. Don't, don't do this, guys," Spencer starts rambling. I think he might actually cry.

"Fine, get out. Get out!" I yell. Ryan and Jon look taken aback at first, but then leave.

After a few minutes of silence I decide to speak.

"They'll be back. We're the hottest band around. They can't just leave."

"Brendon, they just did!" Spencer yells.

"I'm… I'm going for a walk," I say and Dallon stands up to accompany me. "Don't," I wave to him and he sits back down.

I get to my car, not bothering turning it on. I can't feel the cold. After a few minutes of beating the steering wheel, I break down and cry.

* * *

**Wow I am so sorry this is as short as it is. :/**


	16. Chapter 16

A box labeled "Brendon's" sits on what used to be my porch. I sigh, getting out of the car to pick it up. When I do lift it, it feels like clothes. I'm almost to my car when I hear the front door open. Ryan stands, arms crossed.

We've tried to work it out. Of course we did. But it just resulted in fights. And not just us yelling at each other, me sleeping on the couch or the guest bedroom. There should be a prize for the most violent couple ever. We'd win it, easily. I broke a lamp, Ryan a guitar. It was awful and I like to not revisit those nights.

So here I am hauling this box of what seems to be clothes in to my car. Ryan standing by the door.

"What?" I ask because he still hasn't moved.

"Uh, Penny Lane," he motions back inside and my guts twist.

"Right."

I walk from the car back to the house, Ryan moves aside to let me through. It doesn't look the same. There are empty alcohol bottles and pieces of paper everywhere. Guitars are strewn about and nothing is tidy and orderly like it used to be.

"Penny Lane!" I call out but I don't hear excited feet running my way. "Penny, c'mon girl," I call again starting to get irritated.

"Oh, I, uh, she might be in the backyard," Ryan motions towards the back doors and I nod my head as I walk that way.

I reach the backyard that looks the same way it did when I left. Penny Lane was curled up in a small ball by the hot tub.

"Hey, girl, c'mere," I say and she quickly obliges. I pull her up in to my arms and start for the front of the house, ready to leave and get back to the safety of my car.

Ryan hands me a small duffel bag as I exit the house and I nod a 'thanks,' and leave. It was past Christmas. The cold still bit at my nose and I could feel Penny Lane start to shiver.

I set the dog down in the passenger's seat, putting the duffel bag in the floor in front of her. I round the car and turn it on waiting to regain feeling in my toes. When I finally do, I pull out and start driving.

I found an old apartment that needed to be fixed up. I took it and trying to get the sinks unclogged and the toilet flushing properly helped. It kept my mind off Ryan. And not to toot my own horn, but I was doing a pretty good job too. The apartment looked almost brand new now that I've spent a couple of days with it. Penny Lane sat wagging her tail in the passenger's seat. I missed her. I reach over to pat her on her head and she laps at my hand gratefully. I smile at her.

When we arrive at my apartment I take her up first, placing her back in one of the rooms with the door shut so I could haul up my load from Ryan's. I rest the duffel bag on top of the box before taking them both up, trying to lock my car in the process.

I'm on the second floor and I carefully step up, trying not to trip on the stairs. The door to my apartment's unlocked and I push my way in. I set the box down in the living room and shut the front door before letting Penny Lane out of my backroom. After pouring some water in a bowl and she had her fill, I decide to sit on my new leather couch and sift through the boxes. I first grab the duffel bag and set it in my lap going to unzip it. They're little packages, wrapped up in news paper. There's a card on top.

_Thought you'd want these. They're good pictures._

_xxRR._

I pull out the one on top, carefully unwrapping the newspaper around it. It is a picture and a good picture. It's when the band was in Africa a couple years back. It's a picture of me and Ryan and he looks so damn skinny. I carefully set it down next to me, going for the next picture I can find. It's another picture of me and Ryan. We're in the studio, and we're both playing guitars. I'm jamming out, he's smiling. I feel my heart expand in my chest. I set it down on top of the other one and go for another picture. We're hugging, back in our first headliner tour. There are fans around us and I don't bother looking at the other photos.

I shove the three I opened back in the duffel bag, and then walk to the hall closet. I open the door, shoving the bag in there to be forgotten.

I collapse on the couch and I don't even pull the first shirt out of the box that's still labeled "Brendon's," and it smells like him. They all do. I throw the shirt I held in my hands back down to the box as violently as I could. I storm back to my room. My room that smells like me, the room I live in.

And no pretty boys will take it over ever again.

* * *

Penny Lane barks at me and I heave a sigh. No I don't want to get up. I don't want to walk around my apartment aimlessly trying to tell myself its okay when it's not. But I have to get up. I have to get up and feed the dog and wash dishes I washed yesterday and then I have to go down to Verizon and see if I can set up internet here. Then I might text Ryan asking for another box and smiling at him when he watches me take… Lamps, maybe I'll get a lamp today. Or another guitar. Something I have yet to retrieve from his house may or may not make its presence known in the new Urie household.

I do finally make it to the kitchen and grab a small bag of dog food I bought yesterday, pouring it out into a plastic bowl I found.

After Penny Lane has had her fill I look through the cabinets in search of anything, but even with the food I have gathered, nothing seems good at all. I can't bring myself to eat or drink.

I get dressed in a pair of jeans and a jacket, slipping on a pair of Converse and then make my way out of the door, Penny Lane on a leash that connects to my wrist, at my heels. I decide to walk down to the mall that is only about a mile from the apartment complex. The Verizon store was right there next to the mall and Penny Lane was still happy even if I did tie her up outside.

I'm getting internet tomorrow at three. My mission is accomplished and now I can spend my time occupying my mind with pictures or talking to people I haven't seen in years.

Anything.

God, just, anything.

Nobody's called me. I stopped checking my phone a week ago. I was hoping for sympathy, at least, but no. Nobody talked to me. Dallon tried at first, he really did. But when he realized he was getting nowhere, we stopped talking. Spencer doesn't talk to me. I mean, for a best friend, well, he doesn't do much.

Ryan doesn't talk to me either.

But that was to be expected.

I slowly walked up the steps back to my apartment, Penny Lane happy as ever.

I fell on the couch, trying my hardest to not get in to a slump of just lying there. But I did and I found myself staring at the wall in front of me for hours.

An explosion of fireworks started going off in the distance.

Yeah, happy fucking New Year.


	17. Chapter 17

His name's Ian.

Well, I think it is anyway.

He told me, I just can't remember. He's not that attractive either. His long brown hair gets in the way as my face attacks his. And when my tongue swipes over his lower lip het lets me gain access.

He knows who I am.

He knows I'm _the _Brendon Urie.

I'm going to fuck him anyway.

I palm him through his jeans and he's already desperately hard. It's pathetic. We only just crashed through my front door. He feels big, not as big as Ryan, but a decent size. He groans as I move my mouth to his neck. He throws his head back to give me better access. Kind of him, really.

I start unbuttoning his shirt. It's a black button up and it looked good on him. I decide not much would. I finally get his shirt off and we separate to get mine off. We reconnect and I pull him back towards my room and we land on the bed.

I take charge pinning him beneath me. I grind down hard and he groans. His hands clumsily start for my belt. He unbuckles it and we both get off the bed to get our pants off. Now we're both naked, he looks painfully hard while I'm merely sporting a sympathy boner.

I fuck him hard. He takes it. He moans like a whore when he climaxes and I grunt when I come inside of him. I pull out of him and go to the bathroom to clean up. When I come back out he's still there. He's sprawled out on my bed with a pair of boxers on.

"What?" I ask.

"You want me to leave?"

"Do you want to leave?"

"Not really. You're pretty cute."

"Yeah, you can stay if you want," I grant, shrugging my shoulders.

He cuddles up to me that night and I wait for his breathing to go even before I untangle myself and go feed Penny Lane.

* * *

The next morning I get a call from Spencer asking if I want to go to lunch today so we can talk about the band. It's too early. Way too early. It's only been… A month? Two maybe? It was still fucking freezing outside. I tell him I'll meet him at Subway at 12:30.

That guy, Lain? Yeah, I still don't know. He's still in my bed his hair frizzy and drooling a bit. I slap his ass as I move to my dresser looking for a pair of jeans and a hoodie. He mumbles something incoherent and I laugh.

"Hey, dude," I start shaking his shoulders and he slowly wakes up. "Look, I'm going to lunch in like thirty minutes, man." He nods. "I'm getting in the shower."

"Want some company?" He cackles, laughing and the recoiling when he feels the headache. I knew he'd have one with the amount of alcohol he was drinking last night.

"No, I'm good thanks," I smirk and head towards the shower.

The warm water raced down my body. I took my time knowing I shouldn't. When I finally get out I slip on my jeans and hoodie, shaking my head to dry it off. This guy is still in my room, but redressed.

"So, I was wondering if we can hang out today," he says as I start for the front door.

"Really?" I ask. Usually the guys I bring home just get up and leave the next day. No questions asked.

"Yeah, man, I mean, you're pretty cool."

"And cute," I smirk.

"Shut up, I was drunk," his face tints red and I laugh.

"I'm going out to lunch with a friend. You can come if you want, I suppose. Going to Subway."

He beams, "Yeah sure, that'd be great!" And we head for the door.

There are many things I'm scared of in this world. Clowns, spiders, my soon-to-be kid. But nothing in this world is scarier than Spencer's bitch face. But I was expecting it. I brought along a strange guy who I didn't even know his name.

"Hi Spence," I say avoiding eye contact. "This is my friend…" I start to trail off.

"Ian!" This guy, presumably Ian, sticks out his hand. Spencer takes it cautiously.

"I'm Spencer and Brendon and I were going to talk alone."

"Spencer, he knows who we are," I groan waiting for the line to move. "Maybe I don't want to write another album," I say suddenly angry that Spencer would assume we would continue writing music.

Spencer doesn't say anything more as move down the line. I pay for Ian's sub even though he says he has the money. He doesn't dress like it. I had to lend him a jacket this morning since he didn't seem to have one.

Once we've finally settled at a table and start eating is when Spencer decides to acknowledge our existence.

"So Ian, you're a fan?"

"Oh, uh, kind of. I mean, you're good. Really, I guess uh," he shrugs and I smirk.

"What do you do for a living?" Spencer asks, taking another bite of his sandwich.

"I play guitar in this band. You've probably never heard of them."

We continue the rest of lunch in mumbled conversations. I shoot every question about continuing the band down when Spencer asks and he gets more and more irritated. When we finally finish I ask Ian if he wants to come chill at my house. He seems cool enough.

We're on our way back to my apartment, playing the radio. A song by the Cab comes on and Ian's face screws up as he changes the station. I decide to not question him on it.

We spend the rest of the day watching cheesy movies he picked out and I find myself with an arm around Ian and him cuddling in to my chest. Penny Lane was curled up in a ball at our feet.

And for the first time in what seems like forever, I feel alright.

* * *

Ian and I become fuck buddies, really. We're not together, we screw other people. But there's comfort in our relationship. Sometimes I'll just show up at his door and he knows. He knows about Ryan and I. He knows sometimes I just need him.

So that's why our relationship hasn't fucked up yet.

It turns out the fucker also knows Dallon. Dallon was supposedly a roadie back on one of Ian's tours.

"What band?" I ask Dallon once Ian's gone to grab a beer.

He hums thoughtfully before answering, "The Cab," he smiles and my eyes widen. "Yeah, he was the lead guitarist."

The Cab?

I've been fucking the Cab's guitarist for the past month.

"Really? Huh," I say and Dallon nods his head.

Ian comes back and hands me another beer and I nod my head in thanks. I spend the rest of the evening listening to Dallon's tour stories.

Apparently that's where Dallon lost his virginity. On the road with the fucking Cab. I laugh because that's the craziest thing I think I've ever heard Dallon say.

When Dallon leaves, Ian stays and I ask if he plans on staying the night.

"Sure," he shrugs his shoulders and the plops down on the couch.

"So," I begin and sit down next to him, letting my body curl up into his. "You play for the Cab, huh?" I ask and he stills. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I mean, I left the bad a while back and after that it just kind of became some irrelevant part of my life."

"Why'd you leave?"

"I dunno, just felt right."

"Maybe you could come play guitar in our band," I joke and he smiles.

"I'd like that."

My heart swells a little bit.

"So, I guess you are going to continue writing music, huh?" He asks.

"I guess so."

"Good, because I think that it will be good for you," I laugh.

I crane my neck down to kiss him on the lips.

I wake up the next morning with Ian clutched tightly to me. I smile at him and decide that, yeah, he is kind of handsome. He's got a quiet face and his frizzy brown hair, which I have come to love, frames his face beautifully. He's skinny and has nice tattoos and I start tracing his body with my fingers. I trace my finger all the way from his collar bone to his hipbones down to his thigh. Ian hummed when he started to wake up and I traced my hand back up to his face.

"'Morning," he mumbles.

"'Morning yourself," I say and he gives me a sleepy smile.

"I need to go home today. Family's coming over," he yawns and I frown.

"Oh, well, yeah, sure. We should hang out again sometime soon, though."

"Of course," he amends and I feel myself relax. "Is Brendon Urie developing a crush on me?"

"No. No I'm not," I say pointedly and get up for a shower. Ian frowns behind me.

"I didn't mean," he starts but I shut the door behind me.

I come back out to Ian, fully dressed and on the phone. I heard him mumble a quick goodbye and comes over to me.

"I have to go, man, my mother's already at my place. I am so sorry," he mumbled and kisses me hard. "I'll call you later," he says and suddenly I'm left alone.

Penny Lane comes bounding in, wagging her tail and I smile.

"Do you want to go for a walk, girl? Yeah? Yeah, okay!" I say in that stupid voice people use on their dogs.

I grab her leash off of a side table I have in the living room, hooking it to her collar. She gets more and more excited as I open the door and she follows me out in to the warmest air that we've had in what seems like ages. Penny Lane starts barking and I realize I'm standing there; soaking in the sun like my life depends on it. I laugh and shut the door as we start to descend down the stairs.

Spencer says I'm finally happy. I'm with Ian and I'm finally happy. I don't know how he knows it. And I definitely don't know if I believe it. But I find myself smiling more, trying to keep my head up. Dallon's happy I found Ian. He's happy he found an old friend.

I'm just happy someone's stuck around even after they've heard my story.

I let my mind wander to the future. I may still be with Ian by then. I mean, I guess I'm not really with Ian to start with. Sarah's due in May. I'm pretty sure it's a boy. She's told me, but I can't remember for the life of me.

It's my kid and I can't bring myself to even care about it.

I whistle as I walk Penny Lane down the street. Then I start whistling a melody that I like. I whistle it over and over again so I can keep it in mind.

When I get home about thirty minutes later, I write down lyrics to go with it.

I call Ian and he answers.

"Bren! You alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just wrote a song, though. I, uh, I really like it."

"Really? Brendon, that's great! I'll be over early tomorrow to check it out. Maybe we can just spend the whole day together. Can we do that?"

I laugh and smile because, yeah. We can do that. "Sure Ian, whatever you want." I hear him beam through the phone. "Alright, well, I have to go. I'm going to call Spence, see if he wants to hear it."

"Yeah, sure of course," I'm about to hang up when I hear it. "I love you."

And of course being the awkward fucker I am, I just hang up and act like I never heard him say such nonsense.

* * *

**Hi guys! I just wanted to say thank you for keeping up with my story even though I feel like I'm rambling at this point. **

**I don't even know if anybody ships Brendon and Ian (whoops) but I wouldn't count on that relationship lasting long (shhhh~)  
**

**Anyway, thank you again! You guys are the best and I hope you're enjoying reading it as much as I'm enjoying writing it.  
**

**PS:  
**

**I have zero idea what I want to name Sarah's baby and even if I'm going to make it a boy (Yeah idk I'm really indecisive.) SO, it would be wonderful if you could comment with ideas.  
**

**Love you much,  
**

**Lindsey xx  
**


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